Ghanana Ghanana Ghanana Ghanana Ghana Ghana

"Welcome, my Indian friend!", the lady at the immigration desk at Accra International airport said, while looking at my passport. "Thank you!", I said, prepared for the usual questions that are asked at these desks such as 'What is the purpose of your visit?' OR 'How long will you be staying here' OR, 'Do you have a return ticket' OR if the questionable question from a lady at an immigration desk at Heathrow airport is anything to go by - 'What is your salary?'

Not in Ghana. No. The lady chose to take a different direction - "So you are Indian?"

"Yes"

"I have a lot of Indian friends"

"That's nice to hear"

"Hmmm.. Indians are nice"

"Thank you"

"They always give me dollars"

"I'm sorry?"

"They always give me dollars"

"OK... Good.. I guess?"

"Do you have anything for me?"

"Sorry?"

"Do you have any dollars for me?"

"What.. Right now? At the immigration desk?"

"Yes, right now" - It was clear I had inadvertently been 'befriended'.

"Mmm.. I am not carrying any with me at the moment"

"Hmm.. OK.. So when will I get my share?"

"I am not share.. uhmm. sure....", nervous laughter

"How long are you here for?"

Relief that the question was more in tune with the expected "Oh.. I am here for a week."

"So when will I get my share?"

"Oh we are still on that.. Ok.. Don't know.. Maybe when I come back to the airport?"

"Ok.. You better not spend all your dollars in Ghana.. Make sure you keep some for me!"

"Ok! I'll call you!"

Thus making sure my intentions of entering the country were legitimate, she stamped my passport. As I was just about to exit the airport, a man stopped me this time and asked for my passport. He was wearing the airport staff uniform, so didn't look suspicious. I handed it to him. While browsing through it, he asked me some questions. In fact, the ones that the lady at the immigration desk should have asked.

"What is the purpose of your visit sir?"

"Business"

"What kind of business?"

"Well, we make instruments for the brewing industry, so I am here to visit a few breweries"

"Ok. I see from your passport you have travelled to Mexico and Brazil"

"Yes, that is correct."

The next question was more direct than I anticipated - "Are you into drugs?"

The directness of the question and the unashamed connection to South America and drugs made me laugh instinctively, but I curbed it soon "No, I am not into drugs, not even close".

"Ok", he said, handing over the passport.

I couldn't gather from his expression whether it was relief or disappointment, but I didn't linger.

I was picked up by the hotel chauffeur service. I kid you not, I sat in the car and these were the words that hit me after hello. "Do you have any dollars for me?". Now, I know I've been sporting a beard of late and if my wife is to be believed, I have put on a few, but I am as far away from Santa's look as Karl Pilkington's head is from an orange. I realise that analogy works against me, but I've come up with it now and I am too lazy to go back and delete it. Come to think of it, deleting that sentence would have been quicker than writing this one here. But hang on, I would have had to delete it and then come up with a new analogy, which would have taken more effort. Wow, that would have been embarrassing! So yes, we are good. Phew!

Reached my hotel room, which was decent. You know how in predominantly Christian countries, it is common for a bible to be placed in your hotel room. It's quite normal. Not in Ghana. No. Here's their conversion trick -

 I appreciate the help, but what do they expect people to say - "That's it! I believe! Convert me! You had me at future wife!". You have to admit though, it's a good carrot for single men.

Having said that, don't even think of using this excuse when you are presently married. Worse still, do not share this 'vision' with your present wife. The moment you tell her, there will be a bucketful of tears. For a full hour at least. Ok two hours (four). She may or may not join you. And you will have to invest in a new pair of glasses. It happened to a friend of mine, not a personal experience. Have I told you how clearly I can see nowadays? Wonder what it is. 

I also notice that this is a Christian magazine especially for Men - It is called the 'Full Gospel Business Men's'. You know.. Something for the pope to read when he's really feeling naughty.

"Bring me the Full Gospel Business Men's sister! I am feeling it today!"

"Here you go father, and if you are feeling downright dirty - I've recorded a few episodes of Gospel Girls for you"

Makes me wonder if they have an edition for other specific demographics too?

Maybe the Full Gospel Business Criminal's? - "God showed me my future wife in a prison"?

Or the Full Gospel Business Playboy's? - "God showed me my future wife in the Mansion"?

Anyway, visited a brewery in Accra the next day for work. Every brewery has its customary safety training, where they go through some basic do's and don'ts. You know, like 'Do not run', 'Do not smoke', 'Do not wear open-toe shoes' etc. Not in Ghana. No. Here's one in the list that caught my attention - 

The concerning thing is when you realise someone must have done this at least once (if not more) for it to make it to this list. But look, credit where it's due. We have to appreciate the graphic designer for designing the symbol for 'Do not urinate'. It could have been vulgar, but the diagonal line in the circle quite strategically goes over the standing person's unmentionables. On that note, I also think the representation of the activity is highly sexist (and does not represent most married men).

After having spent a week in Ghana - a week filled with nice, kind, well mannered, hospitable people - I was at the airport again. A guard just before airport security stopped and asked for my passport. As I was handing it to him, he went -

"Hmmm... That's a lovely perfume you are wearing there"

"Thank you!"

"Do you have it on you?"

"I have sprayed it on me, yes"

"No, do you have the bottle with you?"

"No, I don't. I checked it in since you are not allowed to carry liquids right.."

"Ohh you are so lucky!"

"Thank you... Mmmm.. Why?"

"You are lucky that you don't have the bottle. I would have made you give it to me. I would have either kept your perfume or your passport!"

"Oh ok! Thank you!" slowly collecting passport back "Lucky? Not really. God had already showed this to me in a vision. Also, on an unrelated note - Do you have a sister working at the immigration desk?"