IGNORANCE IS BLISS

BHAT. If you have Bhat in your life you don't need enemies, but that's for other people cos I know at least my life would have been a lot duller if not for him. He has tried all his antics possible on me so much so that I have become as immune as chirag is to hair straighteners(curly hair guys). We became friends 7 years quite coincidently but things hit off like house on fire. When I say immune I can proudly say I am one of the few who can handle him around without begging god for forgiveness and a new found belief in karma.

But there is one thing that stumps me..which has for a long long time.. It's the ease with which he makes people confess their darkest secrets... all of them being embarrassing moments in their lives… And then he tortures them with me most of the time. Believe me he makes it a point they don't forget it ever...and surprisingly the cycle continues even as I write.

One of them has been Chirag..(heheheheeheheheh). Chirag has been a victim innumerable times. But there is one incident which stands out..even for bhat it stands out .. I needed a separate blog to write it..

CHIRAG.. He likes to be different so he didn't go through the same chain of events as any teenager would...which in turn lead to a lot of ignorance and misconceptions.. And he didn't have any qualms in coming to us to clear them. For us, when it comes to pure fun even your best friend is your enemy ... We cant get emotional on that.. it's the foundation of our friendship..

This was six years back.. One evening Bhat was relaxing at home thinking about how he will ambush this guy in college and get his bottle of boiled water and empty it.. I was home thinking whether the guy with the bottled water will take the same path as that everyday so that things became simpler for us.. Chirag was home trying to solve one the biggest mysteries possible.. He had spent quite a few sleepless nights thinking about it. Who would be the best person to ask this question to? He was at the borderline of desperation he gave up the thought of calling Sherlock Holmes and picked the better option (or so he thought) of calling Bhat (I still don't get it guys!).

Bhat answers ..they go through the usual pleasantries which got Bhat excited...he knew he was going somewhere real solid and absolute bliss... He sensed a tinge of nervousness in Chirag's quivering voice. Foreseeing that Chirag might back out of whatever that he had called him for, he hit the hammer right away.

"Hey Chirag is everything alright? What's wrong yaar?!", Bhat asked with a concern which would put mother teresa to shame.

"Err hmm.. nothin yaar.. I was thinking of asking you something........ but…"

"Yah go on Chirag", said Bhat sounding as understanding as possible (Bhat had his prey in sight).....Chirag hesitated, "Err....hmmmm... I don't know how to ask you?"

Bhat's reply, "Chiraag it's me!! ... Come on!", trying to sound surprised and assuring at the same time, a feature of Bhat that all you guys should be aware of.. To emphasize with him more he repeated... "Chirag its just me...you can talk about anything to me ...what are friends for man!", while mumbling a silent prayer with a smile. Chirag slipped. He took a long enough breath to be audible through the phone. Bhat was sure he would hear Chirag's inscrutable question before he took the next breath.

"Ok Bhat… Promise me you will keep it between us!"

"Chiraaag!", Bhat said. I don't know why Chirag took that as a yes.

" Ok. It's not a big deal yaar.. I just wanted to know what ORAL SEX is?", Chirag mumbled under his own breath..... Bhat's eyes lit up. He paused to digest the moment and but not for long for Chirag to lose confidence in him.

Now a lesser man would have taken an obvious route frome there; by making fun of him right there. Not Bhat. He wanted to squeeze every ounce of juice out of this one.

"What do YOU think it is Chirag", ….. this changed the course all together.

Now Chirag paused. Bhat took control, "Chirag I am asking you cos you may already know what it is. What is the point of me telling you what it is when you already know. In future you won't feel like I have told you.... yaar go on.. it's just me and you..we are old enough to talk about it and not get embarassed... I am glad you brought this up"

"Hmmm… I don't know man……"

Bhat decided to take a final hurl. It was risky, but it was worth a shot. It was what he called crisis control. .. "Chirag, but I must admit, I am surprised that you of all people don't know about this". There was silence. Bhat cursed himself in the head for ruining the entire thing. After 5 seconds he realised he had hit Chirag at the right spot or should I say.. the G spot.

Chirag took another long breath. "I know yaar. Doesn't oral sex mean when you talk about it"

"Talk about what Chirag?", Bhat trying his level best to keep his laughter in his nostrils.

"Dude, when you talk about sex to people its called oral sex right?"

Bhat choked. He had reached the threshold. His reply was classic (with laughter almost strangulating him), "Chirag I will call you back ..I need to speak to Shetty RIGHT NOW!"

"Oh Shit!!!!! Bhat…. You promised…. BHAAAT… Shit… Bhat….", Bhat hung up with Chirag shouting for his life...". Chirag immediately hung up and tried calling me just to hear that my phone was engaged. Bhat took about 10 minutes to tell me the entire thing, the only thing delaying the story was our screaming laughter. I called Chirag right after… "So Chirag… A little birdie told me you had oral sex with Bhat a few minutes back huh!".And he knew he has been scarred for life from then and still wishes he has a time machine..

Bhat is doing his phd.I will do one on Bhat just to figure out wat do they see in him that they bare everything they can.Chirag is a wiser man today .He googles everything since then.And we try to be as careful as possible when talking to him about controversial topics cos we may just be in the middle of some hardcore oral sex.

The day Chirag made this blog for us; he knew this story would come up eventually. I guess I will end this right here. I am little tired with all the "written sex"!

The Ironical Jawani -Diwani

My love for Gujarati women was seamless; it was not like I did not like anyone from other parts of the country but everyone has a soft corner for something-mine was for Gujarati Women. I can't pin down a reason for the same, but all I knew was that I had a thing for the Mehta's and Shah's of my generation.

People have had fun of my affection, especially the effervescent Bhat and the playful Shetty. Shetty was my partner in crime, a friend indeed, he would walk with me for miles without knowing the danger that lies ahead. His fun filled child like features of climbing ropes, mazes in the garden was fun for all the Mehta's and Shah's who used to tag along with us. It helped me a lot as I seemed mature and stable in front of such madness. This certainly does not mean that I did not help Shetty in his endeavors, I did, I used to give him pointers to woo his lady, she was a smart Alec and so Shetty would cycle to the Study Library every evening just to impress her.

Bhat on the other hand was aloof from such tricks, he had his own issues with a girl who used to write letters for him in Red...Pen not blood....would 'fast' for his longevity and would openly express her love for him. Bhat was a celebrity in our school for mesmerizing a female to this extent.

I, on the other hand, to impress the Gujarati folks had taken some extreme steps- Stopped eating Non-veg for nearly five years (to compensate, I eat only Non veg now). It was a terrible time for me especially since it was the time that Bhat, Shetty and me had joined forces in Junior college and this was a jolly good time for the two Non Veg eaters(read:hoggers). I felt the mockery at every restaurant we visited together. There was one particular incident I remember which had 'Dirty' written all over it; Bhat, Ankit , Shetty and me had been to McDonald's and had take aways of our meals to enjoy at my place. Bhat and Ankit on the way home sneakily exchanged the veg and nov veg meals to make me realize what I have been missing (read: have their own little fun). Shetty and me had got the exchanged one's and unknowingly began eating, I knew something was wrong with the taste and Shetty knew his Chicken tasted very different but he ate the whole thing as I wondered,that's when Ankit and Bhat began their hysterical laughs and untold the mystery. An upset me was compensated with a free plate of Chole Samosa.

All through the two years of Junior college, Shetty would tease and torment me for falling for a Mehta, whereas Bhat would torment at a higher capacity- Gujarati. Whilst Shetty remained specific, Bhat had taken the generalist path.

Ironically, Life had taken a twist for our two tormentors when we were in our degree school's-Bhat's first GF was a GUJARATI (totally unexpected and "Ironic") and Shetty's first GF was a MEHTA ("Highly Ironic").........

The right turn that was never right....

Continuing with the bike extravaganza, Shetty and I didn't have any major major accident as far as I can remember. The biggest one I do recollect also turned out to be one of the funnier moments that we have shared.

Magellan and I were travelling on a very crowded two way road close to Thane station. There were many right turns that one could take, but it just so happened that we had to take one specific turn. Ofcourse, as always, I had no clue where we were going. Shetty was usually in charge of where we were going and that day was no exception. I should also mention that Shetty abandoned his relativity theory (read previous post) after Einstein himself came in one of Shetty's dreams and personally refuted it. This then, made the whole process of turning a lot easier.

The dividerless-road was very busy, with cycles, buses, cars and rickshaws all over the place. Pedestrians with suicidal tendencies didn't make things easier. We might have been travelling at about 30-40 km/hr. There was a right turn coming ahead of us. For some reason I thought this was the turn we were supposed to take. I was waiting for Shetty's order. The turn was right here. I was ready to swerve as soon as Shetty told me to. He didn't. Obviously that wasn't the turn then. I scolded myself inside my head and told myself to not make any predetermined turn unless told by Shetty. The turn was almost unturnable when Shetty shouted... "Right right right!!! right right... Bhat right... sorry.. right!!"

I must confess I was a bit panic stricken then. I went for it with the least confidence. Of course, as always, things turned into slow motion. It was almost as if my ears became extra sensitive to the innumerable horns and abuses that came from behind. But I knew I had a job to do. I started to take a sharp turn. The kinetic was now halfway into the turn and was wobbling due to my rock  steady hands! Shetty and I could still see a possibility of making it alive to the road to our right, where we wanted to go. We were just about to heave a sigh of relief when Shetty yelled "Shit! Sorry sorry, straight straight.. sorry Bhat.. straight straight... that's a one way... Bhat straight... sorry!"

If we had to get back on the road, I would have to take a turn as sharp as Chirag's vision when he spots a Gujarathi girl. I went for it without looking into the rear view mirror. Any vehicle coming from behind was my least concern..... I was wrong. It should have been my primary concern. I managed to get the bike on the road but in the process went and parallelly bumped into a rickshaw. I don't know what happened, but the kinetic and the rickshaw stuck to each other somehow. It was almost like the rickshaw and kinetic were Jai and Veeru travelling aside each other at 30 km/hr. We couldn't get the kinetic to separate. We were riding right next to the rickshaw, both of us trying our best to unglue. That was not the problem though.

"Bhaaat", Shetty screamed. I looked back to see Shetty halfway into the rickshaw. His left leg was inside the passenger seat. I was desperately trying to get away but to no avail. Shetty put his left arm inside the rickshaw just so that he could push himself out. Then the unthinkable happened.

The rickshaw in which Shetty was almost in was not any rickshaw. It was a rickshaw with a mother and her teenage daughter right at the cusp of puberty. Out of nowhere half the girl's dupatta flew and covered Shetty's face, making him blind in this very sensitive situation. Completely oblivious to the fact that this was actually an accident, the mother took it upon herself to save her daughter from this lecherous man. That was her ultimate goal. She thought Shetty was actually trying to get INTO the rickshaw because of her daughter! I heard huge thumps from behind. I looked back and saw the mother slapping Shetty's thighs hard. "Aaaaaaah!!!!!" Shetty screamed. "Bhat!!! Do something man.. .Please... ", while trying not to be suffocated.

"Go away!.. get away from my daughter!!... I won't let you come close to her.... ", thump, thump...... slap slap. Shetty was sweating. He got his right hand into action now in a dire attempt to get the dupatta off his face while trying to frantically explain that he was in no mood or position to rape anyone. "No Aunty, its not like that..... its an accident... "

PINCH..... 

"Oh Shit!! Aunty please!!!! Believe me..... I am stuck here... stop pinching me!!!"

 THUMP.... 

"Aunty!!!! Bhat! I can't see anything! Do something... Believe me aunty!! IT IS AN ACCIDENT!! I am not trying to ......Aunty... I am not that kind of a guy who looks at girls aunty... I mean I like girls... but not like your daughter.. Not that she is not loveable! Shit! I mean.. I dont LOVE her.... I haven't even looked at her yet!No NO!! I don't mean to look at her aunty! Who would want to look at her in this situation!! I mean... Bhat please yaar!!! Aunty.... Please!!!"

This went on for about half a minute, but it seemed like half a day. Somehow we managed to get disentangled from the rickshaw just after Shetty managed to untwine the dupatta. We don't know how. We don't care how! We just did. No one was hurt. Well.. no one but Shetty. His left thigh might have been blood red, what with all the spanks. The rickshawvalla was kind enough to not charge us by the meter for the time Shetty was in it. The mother probably would still be proud of herself for saving her daughter. I am sure it would make a great tea time story with the girl's in laws. 

Not boys anymore..

I excitedly called Shetty up to tell him to meet me in 10 minutes outside his apartment. He might have wondered how I could make it to his place in 10 minutes flat, what with me having to walk to the rickshaw stand, get a rickshaw, tell the rickshawvalla to get to the mental hospital (hmmm.... you don't seem to be surprised) and then reach Shetty's place. The entire ordeal took 20 minutes at least.

But there I was sitting right opposite Shetty's apartment on my new Kinetic Zoom (which from now on I will be referring to as "bike" :) ) in 10 mintues flat. Shetty's eyes beamed when he saw the handsome bike (really guys... it's a bike... it had automatic gears!). We weren't boys anymore... we were men with a bike! (please guys.. it IS a bike...Shetty, back me up here... ok.. its not an ACTUAL bike... but its no less.. it weighed 101 kgs!). We then zoomed off like free birds on the bike (guys really.. you got to believe me... it is a BIKE.. IT IS A BIKE!!!!! Ok.. actually its not.. You win!!)

Shetty and I have had some interesting times on this Kinetic bike like thing. We got attached to it sooner than we thought. The first thing I remember is Shetty's theory of relativity. Shetty had this irresistible urge of bending as much as he could in the opposite direction of the turn I was just about to take. For a right turn he bent left, for a left he bent right; to the extent that he could graze his nose on the ground. The explanation was simple. "I am trying to balance". Of course because of this balancing circus act we always ended up going in a straight line.

In fact, I realise now, I was just a joystick who was riding the bike. I was/am not the best person to be asked directions to. Shetty would give directions from behind. I was like his very own Playstation. The problem was that Shetty has a Magellan gene inside him. He had this curiosity to "explore", in his very own words. While Magellan succesfully explored huge pieces of land and sea, we explored innumerable dead ends and some of the worst smelling municipality garbage cans.

Shetty and I met Ankit outside Shetty's saree shop (Vaishnavi Silks - The temple of fashion). I think the kinetic was a day old then. Ankit told me he wanted to ride the bike. I asked him for any experience with two wheelers. I didn't need any further convincing after he told me confidently that he had ridden his Uncle's Bajaj scooter in Calcutta. He got onto the bike. I have a 2 seconds memory lapse after that. The only thing I do remember is Ankit being stuck up against a wall which was like 10 metres from where he started, alongwith the bike. Ankit and his fetish for multitasking. He was pressing the brakes alright but he was also accelerating with the other hand. I went into a deep frozen state while I saw the wall being molested by Ankit and the kinetic together. Shetty ran towards the most miniature accident mankind has ever seen while shouting "Annnkkiiiiiittt!". He held on to the stepni and tried to make the bike stop. How I missed Rajnikanth then. "Leave the accelerator Ankit!!!! LEAVE THE ACCELERATOR", Shetty shouted. Somehow after the wall suffered a lot of bruises, Ankit managed to stop with Shetty's help. I slowly walked to the place as if I was entering a morgue. Shetty asked Ankit if he was alright. Ankit looked at Shetty and me and then the killer dialogue "Ye dekh kya ho gaya tere bike ko bachate bachate (Look what happened to me in the process of saving your bike)", showing us a scratch on his elbow. Shetty asked me if I had a magnifying glass.

Next day, we went to play badminton. We were in this compound with an open space. Another guy asks for a ride. I looked at Shetty, closed my eyes and handed him the keys. There were about 10 people watching. This guy gets onto the bike and heads for the only place in the compound with gravel. Not only that, he thinks it wouldn't be inappropriate to go for a 45 degree turn right in the centre of the gravel. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened right after. He fell in slow motion. I went back to my frozen state. Shetty started running again, but this time shouting "KIIIIIINETIIIIIC!". After blood flow resumed in my body, I walked slowly to the place where Shetty was picking up the kinetic with sympathetic eyes. I looked at the guy who was then dusting the gravel off his shoulders. He of course did what any other guy in his position would do. He scolded me for not keeping any napkins in the storage box.

The movie of the year cause I had a no idea such a movie existed

Last night, I went for a movie with zero expectations; as I had not seen any trailer about the film, only heard about it from some friends-"Slumdog Millionaire".

I came out of the movie, a content man. I like movies which have a happy ending; with a twist that makes me feel comforted. It's not like I am watching a movie to get inspired but to be entertained, its the two hours where I am not thinking, just enjoying.

As the movie began, I didn't like it, I don want to see the sorry state of my country in a movie, I already know it. But as it progressed- it made me like it, and by the end of it-love it.

It's not a typical commercial entertainer (which also I like) but it is an enthralling story with the ending I wanted-Happy. I make a special recommendation of the film as a post as it needs the publicity for people to go and watch it.

Arrey Doston!!!

Bhat, Shetty and me have stood by each other through the thick and thin. Our Junior college was what brought us together and our common enemies (Read :People we mocked at a looot).

The butt of all jokes were two gentlemen- the hairy gorilla and the hairless chicken.

By request-our entrance exams!!!

Some of my new friends have asked me to elaborate more on the various entrance exams we guys gave ( as mentioned in the earlier post).....



Our first common exam was the IEEE, ambitious young men headed to South Mumbai to give the exam. I still don't know what made us give this exam, probably Bhat's convincing power, and our parent excess money (translated as 'dreams for their children). As we caught the local train and chatted about 'How neither of us had studied'; we all sighed a sense of relief knowing that either all of us will do we in life or all of us will end up in the dumps, but all together.

We reached our destination-Late; this I must say is not our fault, how can someone/entity go on to name the different schools with different numbers but same name . Who the hell recognizes a school with numbers. Apparently it was (School Name) no.1 , (School Name) no.2. and so on. And not that the schools were next to each other, each of them was at least a mile or two away, which simply meant, We had to run a mile or two; and which our Ankit being the crouching Bengal tiger, things just got a little slower.

So basically we were late, searched our classrooms and entered and gave our exam. This exam was freaking long, they had an hour break in between, and we all regrouped in the Men's room (Read- stinking toilet). As we all delivered to nature's call, Bhat made a startling discovery, he made us all turn towards him and then towards a broken window- It was the Sea.

We were watching out in to the sea, whilst we pee. We were all happy, it had made the whole exam worth it!!! This was our commitment and enthusiasm of giving entrance exams.

When the results were out-Bhat, Ankit and me were the first to know; and Bhat happily conveyed to Shetty's dad rather than Shetty himself. And Uncle Shetty conveyed it to Master Shetty in true filmi style- Shetty returns home, drenched and soiled from his soccer session with the dripping shoes in his hand. Uncle Shetty looks at his son,and says "You came first in the IEEE exam"; Master Shetty is awestruck at his achievement, drops his shoes and runs around the house in happiness, then Uncle Shetty completes the sentence, "You came first in the IEEE exam...amongst your friends...and 20,000th among all exam takers.

Come to think of it, without studying the four of us were in the top 25000 ranks among 100,000+ exam takers; what if we had studied and given the exam............

The men we are today!!!

I shall leave the funny posts for Bhat and Shetty to write and keep the emotionally charged one's to me. So after being with each other in school and Junior college for soo many years, we had succumbed to the career separation post our 12th Std.

I remember the day our results were out, Bhat was ecstatic that he beat all three (Ankit included)of us, I was satisfied, Ankit was relaxed and Shetty was well....distraught. Now began the challenge for each one of us after numerous other entrance exams -IEEE, Karanataka CET; we were soo dependent on our 12 th results. I began lining up outside Engineering colleges, Bhat,Shetty and Ankit outside Bio Tech colleges. Shetty had a weird little thought, he dreamt that 'Ankit and Bhat' would be driving a Mercedes Benz and himself a Bullock Cart or a Rickshaw. (He honestly dreamt this!!!)

I knew Shetty was an emotional guy, an example is as follows:- Shetty's first girlfriend was a person he knew for 12 days, went out with her the next 13 days, broke up and went in to depression for the next 14 months. See how emotional he is!!!

So began our venture in our respective career fields, during the process we all had our first love with different women and different girl friends; made common enemies ( the guy who dropped Bhat's Kinetic, the guy who told us before hand what B'day gift he wanted), some of us got dumped, had issues with our education; but we all graduated in style and now lead different careers paths-

Bhat is a Bio Technologist
Shetty is a Pilot
Ankit an Entrepreneur
and me a Consultant.

Cheers!!!

Tantri the Mantri

Shetty, Ankit, Chirag and I joined Kalra Shukla classes in our 12th standard like many others. We used to have classes from way early in the morning to mid afternoon. We have way way too many memories during that period. I will start with one of our class administrator. We don't know his name yet, but we used to call him Tantri - after Tantri the Mantri in Tinkle. Yes, we were into fiction. For those who haven't read it, here is a rough description. He was fair and had a moustache like Anil Kapoor, body frame like Tushar Kapoor (or is it Tusshaarr?) and used to sweep his hair right across his left ear to right ear.

Our first class. It was 7 in the morning. It wasn't the best time for many people to be awake. Still everyone was in a good mood since we just heard that ours was the only class which didn't have a CCTV camera. What a narrow escape we thought. We entered the class through a glass door and found the blackboard right next to it. We obediently went and sat on the last bench in front of a full class. One of the professors entered and started teaching rightaway. Everyone was trying hard to concentrate. We realised soon it was impossible. This wasn't because of the professor's inability. Our Tantri was standing right outside the glass door staring at the entire class with huge eyes. Either he had a lot of lubrication in his eyes or he had invisible clips because he didn't seem to blink once. We were all taken aback by this inappropriate attention. The professor was too involved in teaching and didn't know what was going on behind his back. It was like every move of ours was being filmed and criticised at the same time. The eyes served the purpose of a camera and a critic simultaneously. The entire class was still. Moving an elbow was difficult. Somehow we got through the 50 minutes of the lecture. Right after the lecture ended we defrosted ourselves. Its amazing how an entire class can get a feeling of being molested at the same time.

We were still figuring out what just happened and whether this was going to be an every lecture thing. In came Tantri. He was looking furious. In a not so manly manner he pointed his fingers at some of the people in the class and said "You were sleeping; you were yawning; you were smiling; you were playing with your hair and you were not taking notes!". Excellent. He was definitely taking notes. Thankfully none of the points were at any of us. We made good statues. Our doubt whether this was going to be an every lecture thing was soon defogged in the next lecture when the smart Tantri got a chair to sit outside the glass door. His eyes were here to stay.

Days went by. It was a normal day. Break time and the electricity went off. Now this is not an uncommon phenomenon. We continued eating. Suddently Tantri came inside the class. He was looking hassled, confused, angry and helpless at the same time. "Who is doing it?", he asked. Oh, so he was thinking that one of us had messed with the fuse or something. No one said anything. "Who is doing it???? Who has got non-veg in their tiffin?". This was a "stop eating" weird statement. "This is not a class. This is a temple. Its a place of worship, where you worship education. You can't eat non-veg food here. I am sure someone is eating non-veg because of which the electricity has gone off. I can't see any other reason. Tell me honestly, who is eating non-veg".

Now I don't remember who, but someone from the three of us devilishly said, "Sir, Chirag is eating Chicken maggi!". Time stood still. Chirag was halfway into sucking a huge portion of noodles into his mouth. Tantri's eyes grew to a disproportionate size. Chirag was in two minds - Should I suck the remaining or should I not. He chose the latter with half the noodles dangling. Tantri - "You?! You?!......"

Chirag frantically shoumbled (shouted and mumbled at the same time) - "Its MASALA.. ITS MASALA!!"

Tantri stood there thinking Chirag is lying. He didn't know Chirag was a vegetarian then. He gave Chirag such a "I am disappointed in you" look that Chirag had to sheepishly break the half dangling masala noodles with his teeth and close the box for the day. The electricity came back half an hour later only for Chirag to be on the receiving end of a cold look from Tantri.

We tried to use the Non-veg food - electricity off theory many times after when we didn't want a particular lecture to happen, but surprisingly it never worked!

BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit

"BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit!". This was the only sound that could be heard in a class full of about 40 silent students and a teacher with a creased forehead. The sound came from Shetty. It was a typical day in the lab for us Second year students of Biotechnology. It was 11:10 in the morning. We had been in the Zoology lab since 7:30. And to top that, our practicals were being conducted by Rajni ma'm. Everyone was craving to get out of the lab. Ankit in particular was about to pull his hair with frustration but stopped with the thought that it might be the last time he felt it.

Rajni ma'm. Mid 50's. About 5 feet 3 inches. Dirty Grey hair. Huge, bulging eyes with distinct eye bags. Always clad in a dull coloured sari. Deep baritone. Ankit, Shetty and I still think about sex while thinking about her. That right. SEX. And that is because that is all she spoke about! You could give her any topic on this earth and she would uncannily revert that topic back to sex. This is how our morning began.

"Ok students. Pay attention. This is the crab. Kingdom - Animalia. Phylum: Arthropoda. Sub phylum: Crustacea. It is generally covered with a thick exoskeleton. One distinct feature of one type of crabs is that they mate for life. They mate once in their life with one partner. Unlike humans nowadays. Todays culture is to have sex with as many people as possible. Sex has become a casual thing. Sex is not exclusive anymore. Sex is a time pass for humans today. Sex has lost its charm. It has become monotonous. In our days sex used to be a luxury............................". Ankit meanwhile poured the formalin (in which the crab was stored) in his ears just in the hope that he would turn stone deaf.

After innumerable stories about sex it was finally 10:30. For the first time in our lives we didn't want to hear about sex anymore. Ok then. Time for attendance after which we would be free. Victory was minutes away. The class had become quite noisy with the anticipation that we were going to go out of those doors soon. And here we go again, "I am not going to tell you to keep quiet. You are not children. You should be responsible for your own actions. You don't realise that you are going to grow up and become scientists. You will go to America and other parts of the world. Then you will realise. You know why Americans are doing well? Because they are so open about SEX. They speak openly about sex. In India speaking about sex is taboo. That is the root cause of the lack of growth in India. We don't talk about sex. Everyone outside India is talking about sex, but we dont talk about sex...........................". It was 11:10.

There was pindrop silence in the class. Our respective puberties had grown backwards. Ankit - "Bhat yaar... where do we get so much money from?"

"For what?", I asked

"To put the hormones back into my body.. I think I lost my sex drive".

There was only one goal in life now. To get out of that wretched door and enter a world which was free of sex. The attendance begins. 1 - Present, 2 - Present............ It was Shetty's turn. His roll number was one of the last few because of the surname. 33.......... 33........... 33........................................ Shetty couldn't speak. He was trying hard. The best he could do is mumble.I had closed his mouth with my hand. 33.....................! Shetty was trying to raise his hands but again couldn't. Ankit was on the job. The timing has to be right. You let your hand off the mouth when you know the person has lost all hope and is about to scream. In Shetty's case it was screaming interspersed with laughter. I let go my hand.

"BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit!". To break it down, it started with "Bhat" followed by laughter followed by "yaar". Till this point he was unaware that his mouth was free to speak. This was then followed by laughter followed by an inaudible "present" followed by a distinct "shit!" when he realised that everyone but people in China could hear him. On hearing this Ankit failed to control a huge Mogambo like laughter which resonated into the lab.

"Who was that.... What was that?" she asked in a dry tone. Everyone was quiet. We hid ourselves behind some students while laughing uncontrollably in mute mode. "No discipline. No discipline at all. You people think this is a joke. All of you are future researchers. Research is not a joke. It requires a lot of discipline. Everything in life requires discipline. Your day to day activities require discipline. If you want to be healthy you require discipline. To get good health you need to exercise with discipline. You know what is a good exercise? SEX. Sex is the best form of exercise. Sex can keep you healthy. Sex has multiple advantages. But we Indians don't seem to understand that. Sex can improve stamina. Why doesn't India win medals in the Olympics? Because we dont talk about sex...............................................". It was 11:45.

The entire class was really mad at the three of us, more so at Shetty. What could have been an 11:10 exit was now an 11:45 exit! The only thing that prevented them from going out from the class was one small "Present ma'm " from Shetty. That's all Shetty had to do. It was that simple. Shetty performs well under pressure. He almost enjoys it. This was a cake walk but he wasn't going to take it for granted. Shetty put all his energy and concentration into not laughing this time. Ankit and I waited with baited breath. "33.........?", Rajni ma'm asked. "Presex ma'm!", Shetty said!

The class couldn't believe it. Ankit for some reason thought this wouldn't be an inappropriate time for going for another Mogambo laugh. The entire class closed their eyes and tilted their heads back in disappointment. "What? Sex is not something to be made fun of. It has to be taken seriously. Youngsters today take sex lightly. You know why there aren't as many dogs in India as people? Sex. Dogs have a mating season which comes once a year. For humans sex is perennial............................" It was 12.20.

Never have so many eyes stared at Shetty, Ankit and me at the same time. We came out of the class completely zapped. Shetty was marked absent for that class. Ankit never attended Zoology practicals again in a serious attempt to rejuvenate his sex drive and I.. well.. I kept my hands to myself.

Kuch bhi mat ball!

Shetty is an exceptional sportsman. He is the best cricket player that I have played with. This would be true even if I had played with Sanjay Bangar, Venkatesh Prasad or Chirag Deshpande. I should also say that Shetty plays with the most casual demeanour. He makes it look extremely easy. We used to play cricket in front of my house in Pratik Apartments. It would very often be Ankit, Shetty, a few other guys from the society and me.

Ankit didn't join us that day. He was watching television at my place in the living room with his characteristic 45 degrees intense look. There were only 4 of us if I remember correctly. Thankfully Shetty decided to keep the wickets as I took guard to face the second fastest bowler in our society, after Shetty.

The bowler started running in. For some reason I was confident of myself that day. Shetty was casually standing behind the stumps. I stood there with my bat grounded. I saw the ball coming towards me. I couldn't believe it. It was the juiciest full length delivery, waiting to be dispatched with arrogance. I lifted my bat high in the air with the foresight of completing the most elegant front foot cover drive. Shetty smiled with the thought of getting to see a very good cricketing shot. I launched into the drive. Shetty launched into a more casual posture with the unconditional belief that his job as the wicket keeper for that delivery was redundant. I was almost there. My bat was ready to scold the ball away. I got my front foot in place and swung hard. I could hear Shetty shout from behind... "Good sho........". He stopped. I missed.

He couldn't complete his compliment. He saw my bat pass an inch away from the ball. How tides change; Shetty was now facing the same ball that I was a few nanoseconds ago. There were 2 distinct differences though. Shetty didn't have a bat in his hand and he was standing full frontal in front of the ball (as opposed to my side posture). He was still in control he thought. All he had to do was catch the ball before it collided with its namesake. He nonchalantly tried to get his hands into catching position. This is when he realised something. Both his hands were dug knee deep into his tight jeans pockets. They were stuck.

The ball was coming towards Shetty with lightning speed. However, God played the reel in slow motion for Shetty. Shetty says today that God has a sick sense of humour; not without experience. Shetty's eyes were bulging. His teeth were clenched. Shetty's not the one to give up. His entire body was squirming in slow motion as he frantically tried to get his hands to the rescue. After a small grunt and a nanosecond later he realised he wasn't going to make it. He gave it one last shot. He let out a huge crying scream just in the hope that his sound waves could make the ball change direction.

One sword can cut 2 others they say. Likewise, one ball can squash 2 others. It happened. Shetty actually flew back because of the impact and fell on his back. The bowler and I ran to him but then stopped. What do we do about this? What CAN we do about this? Shetty crawled to one of the flower beds so that he got some cushioning. God had already thought of another joke. "Red ants, Shetty red ants!!!!", I shouted. Shetty rolled off the flower bed with a "Why me!!" expression. He then crawled up the 7 excruciating steps to my living room but couldn't get up on his feet. Lying on the floor, he saw God there watching television from the corner of His eyes. "Water, water Ankit... please Ankit water... abe Ankit water... Please yaar Water... Ankit listen man... Water", he pleaded while losing water continuously in the form of sweat. God was unmoved, unperturbed. "Ankit please yaar.. please.. Water... water... WATER...", he squeaked. Ankit looked at Shetty. He kept staring at him till Shetty managed to get water on his own and give him a glass too!

Shetty is a changed man today. He has stopped giving the benefit of doubt to anything human on earth or even me for that matter. Also, don't be surprised if Shetty insists to go change into his loose track pants with loose pockets before a chess game. He has reason to believe its better safe than sorry.

Change is what we need!

I will come straight to the point. Chirag and I were coming back from college in the Bombay Local Train. Both of us were hanging outside with one foot dangling in the air. I should add that this daredevil posture wasn't exhibited by choice. We were between Ghatkopar and Vikhroli. I casually said "Man, I am thirsty". 

Chirag - "Ok. Let's get water"

Me - "From where?

"From Vikhroli station dude"

"I don't want to miss this train Chirag"

" We won't. I will get water from the Station canteen and come back before the train leaves from the Station"

Silence.... I smiled

Chirag - "You dont think I can do it!!!! Huh! Huh!!!!! You don't think I can do it!!!!"

"Calm down yaar... hehehee.. it's not that....its just that you can't!"

"You want to see!! You want to see... I can do it man Bhat.. I really can"

This time I smiled inside and said... ok.

Vikhroli Station was fast approaching. We were sandwiched between quite a lot of people. Hearing our conversation a few people got involved too. They started giving Chirag tips. Chirag started stretching his arms and legs. Hmmmm.. warm up. 

Vikhroli Station was here. The train would be halting in about 2 minutes. Chirag suavely removed his wallet from the pocket. I almost put my hands up thinking it was a gun. All eyes were on Chirag. I could hear some strange noise coming from Chirag. I looked at him. "Don't worry man... its the adrenaline pumping". I stopped worrying :)

The train was almost about to stop. Chirag leapt out with hands and legs stretched and a small "Yaaaaaaa!".  There was a huge thud on the platform. No, he didn't fall, he landed. He sprinted to the Canteen. People around me were boosting him with eager eyes. "Come on water guy, you can do it". Chirag reached the canteen in one piece, already panting. We saw Chirag gesturing to the canteen guy that he needed a bottle of water. Everything was going well. Chirag was suprising me. He was ACTUALLY going to do it I thought. Suddenly I see Chirag fluttering his hands in the air... panic stricken. He was in some trouble. He was frantically looking around and hopping in one place. We saw him pleading the canteen guy about something. The train started moving.

Before I could yell, one of the guys asked me "What's his name?". "Chirag", I said. He shouted at the top of his voice , "Chirag, you idiot! Come back!!!". We all yelled together "Chiraaaaag!!!". "Oh.... Shit" he said. For a moment he hoped it was his eyeballs that were moving. On realising it was actually the train he desperately put the wallet in his pocket. With a firm resolve he left the bottle of water there and started running. He was red; still running and chasing our bogie. I was ready to jump out if he didn't make it. Somehow, full credit to him, he jumped on in the small place that we had made for him. "What happened!!" we asked. He wasn't in a position to answer. Breathing was more important and so was flaring the nostrils. Some ruffled words came from his mouth. "haa?" I asked. He was trying hard to get clear words out of his lungs. I wasn't making things easy for him. I kept asking him. Finally he said panting "I........... didn't.............. have................. change............ you bastard!" followed by a huge grin and a nod. After laughing our hearts out I asked "How much did you have?" "10 bucks" he said. 

"Why didn't you get a bigger bottle instead?"

"Are you craz............... Oooooooooooooooooh!" he said while looking at the moving horizon.

But to be honest, he gave it another shot at the next station with 5 Rs (given by one of the cheerleaders in the train). He ran to the canteen, got the bottle, came back, hopped onto the train and gave me the bottle of water.  He quenched my thirst for water and my appetite for laughter in one go. Thats Chirag for you.

The Anonymous Phone Calls

During our tenth std, Shetty and me had grown to be extremely close friends. Bhat was known as the school prankster but we made better acquaintances with him post our schooling (since we were in the same junior college)
Side Note-The only thing Bhat talked to me was about how we both managed to get the same percentage(to the decimal) and I wondered why did this guy sit and check my result when we didn't even know each other!!

Back to Shetty- I used to love playing pranks on Shetty and I am sure the feeling was mutual. I even used to make him come with me to a girl's place and make fun of him (It was guy thing and we were just sixteen). Sorry Shetty!!! One of the pranks we have not talked about for years was the mysterious phone calls Shetty used to get at nights on his land line. Shetty did not know I had two phone lines at my place which simply meant I could call him simultaneously-one as the Prankster(yes, it was ME) and two as myself( so that I could eliminate any doubts he had).

The Phone call was a silent treatment he used to get followed by a ridiculous laughter (one wherein I tried to sound like a female) and many a times had a romantic background score. He would make his brother lift the call and this treatment would still persist. Whenever Shetty would tell me that he got a call, I would encourage him to investigate in school. And he did, finding out all the girls who had his number and potential suspects. He did cough up some names to me and I further encouraged the probe. This continued for a month or so and then the big day arrived when Shetty came to my place for the first time and happened to notice I had two phone lines.

He always denies this story by saying he had figured out/knew it was me initially itself but within him he knows the truth -he always hoped it was his favorite class mate!!!

Hum Hindustani!!!

I know this topic seems off color and not appropriate a medium but still…..

Today, I read a very interesting article on ‘Recession’ and being at the eye of that storm. The article began with a very interesting note-though there are major financial woes in the global market the economy is growing in positive; unemployment rate is not that high as a recession tends to make it and by the thumb rule definition, we definitely are not in one. Then why are people calling it ‘Recession’?

The simple answer’ it’s psychological’ .The stories about profit / losses, job cuts etc. etc. cause more and more anxiety and hence general mass assumption-Recession. Then the article mentions about how the to be President of this country could potentially swing the election by capitalizing on this factor. Which made me put on my thinking hat. Growing up in India, and viewing her (read: India) affairs from within, makes one make comparisons of the good, bad and the ugly. I love the system here and definitely feel we should adopt some its best practice, and definitely the same can be said on the opposite side.

Not being unpatriotic in any way, but living here for a while, seeing every system/request being processed efficiently, facilities at one’s door step; makes me wonder why shouldn’t anyone not want to live here-just cause I am an ‘Indian’, my country needs me and that this place is nothing like ‘India’. Honestly, it’s not convincing enough!!!

Then as I drove back home- I realized I listen only to Hindi songs, I go home and watch Hindi movies, read the Times of India by the hour, cook (awesome) Indian food-everything in me has been established as Indian. I cannot change that not because I have lived with for so long but simply because I love it. I love what I get with being an Indian. I feel pain when India loses a cricket match and ecstasy when we got a gold medal. I went and read a recent blog of a friend on the same topic-for the first time her writings made sense to me!!!

It’s the Indian-ism in me that makes the attraction to the motherland; it is so strong that other flaws seem small, irrelevant and solvable. There’s this uncanny pull that makes me want to be there and not here, and of course be a part all that Growth story jazz!!!

AFTER THOUGHTS

This would be a good time to thank chirag for providin this medium where we can save all our memories (good bad and embarrassing) cos our responsiblities at work and home doesnt give tht space in our head...we already have no recollection of many such stories to do with all three of us ..
i know chirags modesty wont accept these sincere compliments..(no sarcasm involved) and the girl he was talkin was miss mistry...and i couldn resist those long plaits...
and i would request chirag to blog abt all his girlfriends cos he has been quite secretive abt them maybe abt the sacrifices for them( chirag let it go) and bhat u can talk abt all the innocent pple who have confessed their deepest secrets and then u troubled them in a way tht they stopped believing gods existence(but the fact is thts gods way of punishing them)...
anyways waitin for ur next blog guys..

HOMECOMING

chirags been one of my closest friends... and bhat and i respect him for what he is... he is quite well read but maybe on some topics he has got grave misconceptions (bhat knows wat i am talkin abt it can be one of my topics for my next post)...and chirag has always been a peoples person..very compatible with people..he likes to be called charismatic and suave so i will add these adjectives... we have a lot of fond memories of his auntys place where we have spent a lot of time just being useless in life which are very special for all of us now when i see my three friends doing great in their lives and this fact has never come as a surprise knowin all three of them... i have been quite lucky to have them in my life cos i am me in front of them .. no facade..and we accept each other for wat we are... i call chandler tht he is bhat personified (i dont think i need to say anythin else) and chirag has always come out as a winner in whatever he pursued...

about chirags post i do agree to the fact most of it did happened cos we were completely different personalities in school..chirag was suppossed to be mature,bhat was subtle in his ways when it came to troubling anyone in school ,and i was extremely distinct in wat i did ....and those plaits were extremely long ..so just couldn resist..
but when i read the parts which are not true... especially the cycling part..cos it does take a big part of his life.. believe me .. u will know why very soon

i will put it in points as chirag gives us glimpses of him still bein in school as he differentiates his assignments as classwork and homework and a break from college as a summer vacation at 24 and lectures as periods which sounds pretty grose...i just hope he doesnt carry a bottle of boiled water along .Back to chirags defense..1 the cycling was his way of impressing girls(even though it took 15mins to get on it and another 20 to get off it).so girls usually call him well before their time of appointment with him and remind him tht he shud start the highly impossible (and improbable when he started out)task of gettin on to the cycle so by the time they meet him hopefully he is on it with knee pads and helmets and an abdomen guard (which he again borrowed from friend of his).... we can go on and on tht (cos he being one of my best friends i have given him company on those cycling walks to meet some girl he liked)..you guys may be wonderin wat is cyclin walks it just means he used to cycle and i used walk along...(its humanly not possible to cycle tht slow) and after checkin out his mba presentation video we all know chirag is no human..(mukesh khanna with curly hair)...

I can say all this cos chirag has been a big sport all thru and u must have got it from bhats previous blog

AND now i get onto someone who has got sarcasm and just simple mannerisms back on the map..bhat and i actually actually feel the honour of being associated to him.. i hear regret in bhats voice everytime i talk to him..the regret is not being able to to enjoy gods gift to mankind from close quarters.. the regret is all the more tht u will know when we talk abt them in our next few blogs... .. bhat and i can take credit for him along with god..

ANKIT

the character of characters ... among us he truly deserves a grand entry into the blog... cos no one comes close to the king... u need to have a different brand of humour to understand ankit..it has taken a lot of effort and time for me and bhat to master it... he will get his dues...he surely deserves it...

guys watch out ankits comin ....

The Choti and the Bench

Today as the three of us read through our first post, we wondered what stories to write, whom to bitch about so we started to reminiscence our past-so people here's Blast from the Past-1

It was a regular tenth standard school day for our young man-Shetty. Jumping on to the school bus with eager to reach the classroom to put to test something he had thought of and practiced all night. Another factor attracted him too-his first crush. She was/is intelligent, sports lover and shetty's favorite classmate( As it should be!).

He enters his class and waits with baited breath for his front seat partner to come to school. He had it all planned, he knew how and when he should make his move. Just then enters the lady love and promptly she comes and sits next to him and asks -did you bring tiffin box today? to which our man promptly hands it over to the "Rightful owner"

Just then his bait arrived, with those long locks swinging right to left to right. Shetty smirked and she misunderstood it for a smile and 'smiled back'. She sat in her usual place in front of the prankster; Shetty knew he would cherish this day for life and would proudly tell this to his pals to be'. An hour later, it was time-As planned ( and practiced) Shetty began with his move-he slowly reached out to grab those long locks and felt it in his hands. Enjoying every moment of this he began tying the two together and then eventually to the table. (What astonished -Bhat and Me at this point of the story was that for so long whilst he tied away she didn't even feel her hair being pulled even once).

Anyways as Shetty finished tying the knots, he waited for some teacher to make the prank come alive. He had set it up well and waited but to his utter dismay-it was the most prolific teacher who took up that mantle-Mrs. M....as the poor bait rose, upon being called, so did the table and the class laughed and the teacher tromped her way across to Shetty's desk only to throw him out of the class.

Years later Shetty confessed to us-he wanted to impress his first crush and though she did laugh, it was embarrassing to be thrown out of the class in front of her and so began his cycling adventure-every evening he would cycle 20Kms to her place and back just to showcase his cycling skills , albeit his stamina.


I am sure the next Shetty Post is about me!!!

Breaking the ice - Never a strength

Hmmmm... I really don't have much to say after the apt introduction Chirag has given for the three of us. Yes. We made fun of others. We made fun of situations. We made fun of whatever could be made fun of, but most of all we made fun of ourselves. Having said that I must also say that we paid our fair share of dues. I suffered from a serious bout of jaundice during my First year B.Sc., Shetty has had his share of malaria attacks and Chirag has curly hair.

This would be a good time to say good things about Chirag. :). He for one has the eternal ability to take jokes on himself. He enjoys them. He laughs as if it has been cracked on someone else. Sometimes he does react but only to make the situation funnier. The point has always been to laugh in the moment. There is no one upmanship in humour.

I don't feel proud very often, but I am proud of the way we had our fun. While most of our peers were getting drunk just so that they could fit in, we accommodated fun into our lives just by each other's company. Situations were our high. I was watching this amazing movie called "The Bucket List" the other day. It has brilliant performances by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman and is about the things they decide to do before they die. Its a highly inspiring film with a strong message. Why I mention it here, is that one of the things thats on their list of things to do before they die is "Laugh till you cry". Chirag, Shetty, Ankit and I did this so often that I thought for a very long time it was normal. I realise today it is not. Not many people get the opportunity, place, situation and most importantly people to laugh with without inhibition.

We lost touch in brief periods throughout these years that we have known each other; but we always started off where we left. Again, to my disbelief, not a common phenomenon. I guess we could do this only because we were always ourselves. We didn't try to ape others (Chirag and I imitating Aamir Khan in Koi kahe doesn't count). We were comfortable in our skin. We were comfortable with our lives.

I just read this blog through and it is the most boring piece of literature I have ever read or will read in my entire life. I can't believe I am choosing this as my first blog. As they say, if you start from the bottom, it can only get better. Chirag tried this in one of his relationships but shockingly it didn't work out very well. I should also tell you at this point that sometimes we do exaggerate :)

Let the exaggerations begin!

The Big Intro

Welcome to the world of three friends...this is not a rip off from a movie ( the movie was more of a rip off..of us)...just the memoirs of three individuals who have spent the better half of their eight growing years making fun of each other and of those who dare poke at either of them. Who knew that these individuals would one day go on to be the finest gentlemen and brilliant individuals to surface on this planet. (except for Mrs. Mu****jee). As we blog from three different continents and balance three diverse professions, we all have one thing in common- free time to chat whilst at work. Yes Sire, we are the skilled personnel who can fly a plane, make amazing biological discoveries and solve client problems whilst we chat.

There is a certain connection one tends to notice among us, some call it idiotic while others call it erratic. Collectively we may have made more enemies than friends over the years and sucked at maintaining opposite sex relationships(one of us had a girlfriend for one day, another had one for thirteen days). We have had our share of love and sorrows, highs and lows, but our capability of making fun of each other has never stopped.

We have been through it all- one of us had a girl fasting for him since school and writing letters in red, one of us sold silk Saree's and one of us gave up non-veg to impress Gujarati women.

So folks, all the stories that will follow have occurred somewhere in the past and present and are absolutely true, but as a disclaimer; all this is in good fun, we cannot be held responsible for our actions and words and in some cases references to individuals bearing any resemblance is purely coincidental!!!

Let it roll gentlemen!!!