I opened my eyes in shock to find Shetty frantically pleading thus. To understand where and why, we need to backtrack a bit.
Chirag - "Dude! We don't do anything together anymore man!"
Bhat - "That is not a good argument Chirag! And moreover, choosing to do this activity together is disturbing!"
Chirag - "Why?! Ok ok.. I'll cut you a deal.. Just foot. How about that.. Just foot!"
Bhat - "No. Not happening."
Chirag - "Shetty come on man, tell him! I NEED this. It will be FUN!"
Shetty - "Nai be Chirag"
Chirag - "Dude, I am getting married tomorrow! Let's do this together!"
Great. Before getting married, good friends throw the groom a bachelor party. Better friends go for a massage. TOGETHER. In a MALL. In THANE. Oh and before I forget. Just FOOT!
So Chirag, Shetty and I walked into a massage parlour. Myo Thai Spa it was called.
We were then directed to a room where we realised we will be massaged together. Dreams do come true. Three comfortable chairs awaited us. Soft music played in the background with the lights in the room just about the right intensity. I must admit, the entire ambience was quite impressive. I remember I was just about to let myself relax when the soothing music was interrupted by this.
This young lady had entered the room while we were almost about to become one with the ambience of the place. I couldn't for the life of me comprehend what she was scolding me for!
"I'm sorry?", I asked.
I was really struggling! I was as far away from relaxation as Chirag was from a bachelor party at that moment! I looked at Shetty for some help, only to see an expression as blank as Alok Nath at a love marriage. The lady was still in front of me, but she was now trying to hand me something. I wiped the sweat off my palms and took it. It was some kind of cloth I gathered. Some kind of loose trousers that could be tied around one's waist using a string.
She went again!
The relaxing ambience was now contributing to my nervousness! In that confusion, I started wearing those loose trousers on top of my jeans. Chirag, who until now was as clueless as Ankit would be at an all vegetarian buffet, suddenly realized what the lady meant.
"Dude, remove your Pants!", he said with an air that was supposed to make us think he started getting massages since A K Hangal began portraying old man roles.
The lady, obviously finding my act ludicrous, ran out of the room trying her best to cover her laugh.
With a firm resolve to not embarrass ourselves anymore, Chirag and I heroically helped tie each other's trouser strings behind our respective backs. The irony is priceless. Shetty tied his own.
Three delicate petite masseuses now walked in light-footed. They gestured us to our respective chairs and the delicate, relaxing and soothing ordeal thus began. I was seated next to Chirag, who was placed next to Shetty. Of course, as promised, they started with our feet. Shetty's masseuse sat in front of him and had a head start on the other two masseuses, so his massage was a step or two ahead of Chirag's and mine.
She washed his feet with the softest of hands. She lifted his leg ever so gently and put his foot on a soft towel placed on her legs. This is good we thought. We were almost about to thank Chirag for coaxing us into this beautiful, stress-relieving experience. Wait. Hang on. Shetty's masseuse started punching his feet like a crazed monkey would attack a banana! Shetty was shocked!
"Aaaah!" squealed Shetty, half scandalized, half traumatized. Not in our wildest of imagination would we have expected a pint-sized Thai Laila Ali to display her complete boxing repertoire during a foot massage.
"Sorry but can you please be careful!! I'm sorry but I have a football injury.. I am sorry.. I am really sorry but please be careful!", Shetty begged!
The worst time to find out none of them spoke English. She knocked Shetty's foot down faster and more mercilessly than George Foreman's average bouts. Chirag and I painstakingly waited and then went through the same tribulation just a few seconds after Shetty.
We soon learnt the hard way that we hadn't signed up for a soft massage, but for a handicapped wrestling match. Muscles were being pulled inhumanely, elbows were being shoved savagely and backs were being bent barbarically. I am sure all three of us at one point or the other, seriously contemplated on pleading for mercy, "GIVE UP GIVE UP!! PLEASE.. I GIVE UP!! STOP THE FIGHT!!".
The masseuses had now moved behind us. My masseuse strategically and ruthlessly lodged her foot into my back while holding my arms, such that my posture was now painstakingly concave. I thought this was my threshold for bearing pain, but my masseuse had other ideas. She pulled both my shoulders back with her arms to their elastic limit, like a string on a huge bow! I was in agony. Teeth clenching agony! All communication lines were obviously closed, since we had by then learnt we had no common language between us. I was trying mighty hard to keep silent in this moment of self-afflicted trauma. I thought I had done the impossible by not squealing embarrassingly, when the wretched Shetty, half laughing, asked me to look at Chirag.
If my posture was uncomfortable, Chirag's was just plain inappropriate! Obviously, he was undergoing the same maneuver as me. But to relieve the tension on his back, Chirag chose to get up from his stool in a peculiar fashion, such that his hip was now thrust, very VERY tastelessly, in front. Excellent. In addition to the squealing that I was so desperately trying to cover, I was now also trying to control my laughter. Even in that state though, it was more difficult to not look at Chirag. The sweating, the discomfort ridden face, the creased forehead, the tightly closed eyes and of course, the ungentlemanly hip. I was not riding a rainbow either, but I was proud that I had curbed every sound that was itching to come out of me, lest I embarrass myself. However, there is only so much a man can control. My tipping point was when Chirag went
The combination of the excruciating discomfort, Chirag's preposterous disfigured body, the shock at the over-compensating comment and the irresistible laughter that I now just couldn't curb, resulted in a sound that I never thought could emanate from me ever.
The masseuses started sniggering. I couldn't help but think, just 15 minutes ago, I was walking shame-free in the mall! How the hell did I get here?! Of course, Chirag and Shetty weren't going to let this opportunity slide. They put Gabbar Singh's laugh to shame.
After a point of time, when the massage got less fatal, I thought this is my opportunity to truly relax. I mildly admonished myself for not being more accepting of this process. In that effort, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. Calm thoughts, positive memories, happy place, soothing sounds...... The next sound I heard was Shetty's yelp!
"WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!!"
I opened my eyes quickly to see what was going on. Shetty's masseuse had held his arms gently and made him get up ever so slowly. There was no sign of any physical atrocity here. "Why was he shouting then?!". I was flummoxed! I soon gathered that when he got up, something happened a little too fast, which he realized a little too late. This made him go
"WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!! I HAVEN'T TIED IT, I HAVEN'T TIED IT"!!!!"
Remember the loose trousers that Chirag and I had shamelessly tied each other's? Well, it turned out that Shetty had either forgotten to tie them altogether, or had done a very bad job at it, for when he got up, they went down! In a dire attempt to save his dignity, he held his trousers with one hand and gracelessly tucked in his shirt as deep as he could. You guessed it. Masseuses sniggering, Chirag and I 'Gabbar Singh'ing.
All this effort because we 'Don't do anything together anymore!' Well, after it was over, in our defense, we at least had the satisfaction of experiencing our first official THAI massage. That was something. No one could take that away from us. We were curious which part of Thailand this massage originated from. Right before we were about to leave, Chirag asked one of the masseuses, with hand gestures and the works,
"Which part of Thailand are you from? Which part? WHICH? In Thailand? Which part? Bangkok? Pattaya? Phuket? Which part?"
"Mizoram", she said.
