Excuse you!

1) "How come these awkward situations present themselves to you guys out of the blue.. Do you actually seek these??!"

2) "No that can't possibly be true.. Are you guys exaggerating?!!"

3) "Can you spot Ankit during a Solar Eclipse??!"

The answer to all of the above commonly thought of questions is "Maybe". What prevents me from responding with a resounding "Yes!" to the first two questions are experiences like the one I recently had in Singapore. No awkward situations being sought. No exaggerations.

I had just flown into the beautiful and super-efficient Singapore after a long and convoluted flight from London. I checked into my hotel room after receiving excellent hospitality from the staff. As soon as I put my bags down, my eyes fell up on the hotel facilities brochure. As if destiny had planned it, the first page that I happened to browse was all about a 'relaxing and soothing' massage. Yes. I know. Chirag, Shetty and I haven't had the best fortune with massages. You read the post. We experienced it. Against the voice of reason, I chose to give it a shot. I have to admit, my weary self had a lot of influence on my decision making then. So I went for it.

I won't wax eloquent regarding the actual massage, except that it was absolutely fantastic! The Singaporean masseuse was truly adept at her craft and I could consciously feel my body experiencing strain-drain. I was first gently asked to lay head down and after a while, head up. A warm moist towel was placed on my eyes while the ultimate relaxing experience ensued. Honestly. No complaints. No mockery. No nothing. I may even have had a gentle smile on my face, much like Krishna when he slept in Ramanand Sagar's version of his life. I recall thinking to myself as the massage continued on my feet -

"Wow.. This is amazing. I am so glad I pushed myself to this decision. What a decision it's turned out to be! And what the heck.. I am proud of being open. The last time it didn't go so well, but kudos to me for being open. To being open!"

My proud thoughts of 'being open' were interrupted by the masseuse.

"Mm What?", I asked with caution.

Strain was gained as quickly as it was drained. As you may have learnt by now, my sweat is not shy is these situations. In fact, my parents had taken me to a doctor when I was a kid, because of how much I perspired. The doctor had dismissed the issue saying it will get better as I grew up. For one, I think he meant mentally. And second, I don't think he accounted for situations where I couldn't confirm what the masseuse in Singapore was claiming to see, because of this stupid wet towel on my face! Don't know what it is with us being partially/completely blind in such awkward predicaments. Apart from mustering a meek "Sorry?" in response, I truly didn't know how to handle what seemed more like an accusation, or worse still an observation!

"WHAT!! NO NO! You want to massage wha... Oh hang on! Massage FINISHED!! FINISHED!! Not Pen... Well, why bring it up! Thank God!!! Yes sure!! Great! Finished!!"

"Yes" the oblivious masseuse affirmed.

I got the towel off my face as quickly as I could and was just about to get up when I was interrupted -

"Aacchooo!!", she sneezed right on my foot, adorned with philanthropic aerosols. As ridiculous and unrelaxing that gesture was, I bit my tongue and said "It's OK", only to realise that she wasn't really remorseful, evident from the lack of apology.

I attempted to get up once again, and what do you know!

"Aaaaaaaachoooooo!!!!", this time it was longer, bigger, wetter, leaving me completely and utterly distressed! This is why her defence after seemed that much more redundant!

"Hehehe.. I took all your stress inside me and released it! Now you are completely stress free! You are welcome!!"

"Thank you. Appreciate it".

"You are weelcccomme!" she said gleefully, teaching me a timely lesson about using sarcasm judiciously.

Wondering if the sneeze was actually a part of the massage, I decided to hurry my way out of the room. Another lesson learnt the hard way: If your foot has been sneezed upon - twice - and you haven't had the chance to wipe it off - remember to walk slowly - or else - you will slip - badly - and you will fall - on your behind - in slow motion - and the masseuse will see this - and she will laugh - and you will hold back your tears successfully - probably.

I then walked excruciatingly slowly to my room to take what turned out to be the longest shower of my life. While I was amputating my foot for good measure, I couldn't help but take a solemn vow, "Alright, you just barely walked out of a really awkward and unintentionally embarrassing situation. The silver lining is, no one you know was there! Let's keep it that way. This story goes to your grave. Never share it with anyone. Especially with a handful of people, who, I don't know, you can share an online link with or something. Never. Promise".