IGNORANCE IS BLISS

BHAT. If you have Bhat in your life you don't need enemies, but that's for other people cos I know at least my life would have been a lot duller if not for him. He has tried all his antics possible on me so much so that I have become as immune as chirag is to hair straighteners(curly hair guys). We became friends 7 years quite coincidently but things hit off like house on fire. When I say immune I can proudly say I am one of the few who can handle him around without begging god for forgiveness and a new found belief in karma.

But there is one thing that stumps me..which has for a long long time.. It's the ease with which he makes people confess their darkest secrets... all of them being embarrassing moments in their lives… And then he tortures them with me most of the time. Believe me he makes it a point they don't forget it ever...and surprisingly the cycle continues even as I write.

One of them has been Chirag..(heheheheeheheheh). Chirag has been a victim innumerable times. But there is one incident which stands out..even for bhat it stands out .. I needed a separate blog to write it..

CHIRAG.. He likes to be different so he didn't go through the same chain of events as any teenager would...which in turn lead to a lot of ignorance and misconceptions.. And he didn't have any qualms in coming to us to clear them. For us, when it comes to pure fun even your best friend is your enemy ... We cant get emotional on that.. it's the foundation of our friendship..

This was six years back.. One evening Bhat was relaxing at home thinking about how he will ambush this guy in college and get his bottle of boiled water and empty it.. I was home thinking whether the guy with the bottled water will take the same path as that everyday so that things became simpler for us.. Chirag was home trying to solve one the biggest mysteries possible.. He had spent quite a few sleepless nights thinking about it. Who would be the best person to ask this question to? He was at the borderline of desperation he gave up the thought of calling Sherlock Holmes and picked the better option (or so he thought) of calling Bhat (I still don't get it guys!).

Bhat answers ..they go through the usual pleasantries which got Bhat excited...he knew he was going somewhere real solid and absolute bliss... He sensed a tinge of nervousness in Chirag's quivering voice. Foreseeing that Chirag might back out of whatever that he had called him for, he hit the hammer right away.

"Hey Chirag is everything alright? What's wrong yaar?!", Bhat asked with a concern which would put mother teresa to shame.

"Err hmm.. nothin yaar.. I was thinking of asking you something........ but…"

"Yah go on Chirag", said Bhat sounding as understanding as possible (Bhat had his prey in sight).....Chirag hesitated, "Err....hmmmm... I don't know how to ask you?"

Bhat's reply, "Chiraag it's me!! ... Come on!", trying to sound surprised and assuring at the same time, a feature of Bhat that all you guys should be aware of.. To emphasize with him more he repeated... "Chirag its just me...you can talk about anything to me ...what are friends for man!", while mumbling a silent prayer with a smile. Chirag slipped. He took a long enough breath to be audible through the phone. Bhat was sure he would hear Chirag's inscrutable question before he took the next breath.

"Ok Bhat… Promise me you will keep it between us!"

"Chiraaag!", Bhat said. I don't know why Chirag took that as a yes.

" Ok. It's not a big deal yaar.. I just wanted to know what ORAL SEX is?", Chirag mumbled under his own breath..... Bhat's eyes lit up. He paused to digest the moment and but not for long for Chirag to lose confidence in him.

Now a lesser man would have taken an obvious route frome there; by making fun of him right there. Not Bhat. He wanted to squeeze every ounce of juice out of this one.

"What do YOU think it is Chirag", ….. this changed the course all together.

Now Chirag paused. Bhat took control, "Chirag I am asking you cos you may already know what it is. What is the point of me telling you what it is when you already know. In future you won't feel like I have told you.... yaar go on.. it's just me and you..we are old enough to talk about it and not get embarassed... I am glad you brought this up"

"Hmmm… I don't know man……"

Bhat decided to take a final hurl. It was risky, but it was worth a shot. It was what he called crisis control. .. "Chirag, but I must admit, I am surprised that you of all people don't know about this". There was silence. Bhat cursed himself in the head for ruining the entire thing. After 5 seconds he realised he had hit Chirag at the right spot or should I say.. the G spot.

Chirag took another long breath. "I know yaar. Doesn't oral sex mean when you talk about it"

"Talk about what Chirag?", Bhat trying his level best to keep his laughter in his nostrils.

"Dude, when you talk about sex to people its called oral sex right?"

Bhat choked. He had reached the threshold. His reply was classic (with laughter almost strangulating him), "Chirag I will call you back ..I need to speak to Shetty RIGHT NOW!"

"Oh Shit!!!!! Bhat…. You promised…. BHAAAT… Shit… Bhat….", Bhat hung up with Chirag shouting for his life...". Chirag immediately hung up and tried calling me just to hear that my phone was engaged. Bhat took about 10 minutes to tell me the entire thing, the only thing delaying the story was our screaming laughter. I called Chirag right after… "So Chirag… A little birdie told me you had oral sex with Bhat a few minutes back huh!".And he knew he has been scarred for life from then and still wishes he has a time machine..

Bhat is doing his phd.I will do one on Bhat just to figure out wat do they see in him that they bare everything they can.Chirag is a wiser man today .He googles everything since then.And we try to be as careful as possible when talking to him about controversial topics cos we may just be in the middle of some hardcore oral sex.

The day Chirag made this blog for us; he knew this story would come up eventually. I guess I will end this right here. I am little tired with all the "written sex"!

The Ironical Jawani -Diwani

My love for Gujarati women was seamless; it was not like I did not like anyone from other parts of the country but everyone has a soft corner for something-mine was for Gujarati Women. I can't pin down a reason for the same, but all I knew was that I had a thing for the Mehta's and Shah's of my generation.

People have had fun of my affection, especially the effervescent Bhat and the playful Shetty. Shetty was my partner in crime, a friend indeed, he would walk with me for miles without knowing the danger that lies ahead. His fun filled child like features of climbing ropes, mazes in the garden was fun for all the Mehta's and Shah's who used to tag along with us. It helped me a lot as I seemed mature and stable in front of such madness. This certainly does not mean that I did not help Shetty in his endeavors, I did, I used to give him pointers to woo his lady, she was a smart Alec and so Shetty would cycle to the Study Library every evening just to impress her.

Bhat on the other hand was aloof from such tricks, he had his own issues with a girl who used to write letters for him in Red...Pen not blood....would 'fast' for his longevity and would openly express her love for him. Bhat was a celebrity in our school for mesmerizing a female to this extent.

I, on the other hand, to impress the Gujarati folks had taken some extreme steps- Stopped eating Non-veg for nearly five years (to compensate, I eat only Non veg now). It was a terrible time for me especially since it was the time that Bhat, Shetty and me had joined forces in Junior college and this was a jolly good time for the two Non Veg eaters(read:hoggers). I felt the mockery at every restaurant we visited together. There was one particular incident I remember which had 'Dirty' written all over it; Bhat, Ankit , Shetty and me had been to McDonald's and had take aways of our meals to enjoy at my place. Bhat and Ankit on the way home sneakily exchanged the veg and nov veg meals to make me realize what I have been missing (read: have their own little fun). Shetty and me had got the exchanged one's and unknowingly began eating, I knew something was wrong with the taste and Shetty knew his Chicken tasted very different but he ate the whole thing as I wondered,that's when Ankit and Bhat began their hysterical laughs and untold the mystery. An upset me was compensated with a free plate of Chole Samosa.

All through the two years of Junior college, Shetty would tease and torment me for falling for a Mehta, whereas Bhat would torment at a higher capacity- Gujarati. Whilst Shetty remained specific, Bhat had taken the generalist path.

Ironically, Life had taken a twist for our two tormentors when we were in our degree school's-Bhat's first GF was a GUJARATI (totally unexpected and "Ironic") and Shetty's first GF was a MEHTA ("Highly Ironic").........

The right turn that was never right....

Continuing with the bike extravaganza, Shetty and I didn't have any major major accident as far as I can remember. The biggest one I do recollect also turned out to be one of the funnier moments that we have shared.

Magellan and I were travelling on a very crowded two way road close to Thane station. There were many right turns that one could take, but it just so happened that we had to take one specific turn. Ofcourse, as always, I had no clue where we were going. Shetty was usually in charge of where we were going and that day was no exception. I should also mention that Shetty abandoned his relativity theory (read previous post) after Einstein himself came in one of Shetty's dreams and personally refuted it. This then, made the whole process of turning a lot easier.

The dividerless-road was very busy, with cycles, buses, cars and rickshaws all over the place. Pedestrians with suicidal tendencies didn't make things easier. We might have been travelling at about 30-40 km/hr. There was a right turn coming ahead of us. For some reason I thought this was the turn we were supposed to take. I was waiting for Shetty's order. The turn was right here. I was ready to swerve as soon as Shetty told me to. He didn't. Obviously that wasn't the turn then. I scolded myself inside my head and told myself to not make any predetermined turn unless told by Shetty. The turn was almost unturnable when Shetty shouted... "Right right right!!! right right... Bhat right... sorry.. right!!"

I must confess I was a bit panic stricken then. I went for it with the least confidence. Of course, as always, things turned into slow motion. It was almost as if my ears became extra sensitive to the innumerable horns and abuses that came from behind. But I knew I had a job to do. I started to take a sharp turn. The kinetic was now halfway into the turn and was wobbling due to my rock  steady hands! Shetty and I could still see a possibility of making it alive to the road to our right, where we wanted to go. We were just about to heave a sigh of relief when Shetty yelled "Shit! Sorry sorry, straight straight.. sorry Bhat.. straight straight... that's a one way... Bhat straight... sorry!"

If we had to get back on the road, I would have to take a turn as sharp as Chirag's vision when he spots a Gujarathi girl. I went for it without looking into the rear view mirror. Any vehicle coming from behind was my least concern..... I was wrong. It should have been my primary concern. I managed to get the bike on the road but in the process went and parallelly bumped into a rickshaw. I don't know what happened, but the kinetic and the rickshaw stuck to each other somehow. It was almost like the rickshaw and kinetic were Jai and Veeru travelling aside each other at 30 km/hr. We couldn't get the kinetic to separate. We were riding right next to the rickshaw, both of us trying our best to unglue. That was not the problem though.

"Bhaaat", Shetty screamed. I looked back to see Shetty halfway into the rickshaw. His left leg was inside the passenger seat. I was desperately trying to get away but to no avail. Shetty put his left arm inside the rickshaw just so that he could push himself out. Then the unthinkable happened.

The rickshaw in which Shetty was almost in was not any rickshaw. It was a rickshaw with a mother and her teenage daughter right at the cusp of puberty. Out of nowhere half the girl's dupatta flew and covered Shetty's face, making him blind in this very sensitive situation. Completely oblivious to the fact that this was actually an accident, the mother took it upon herself to save her daughter from this lecherous man. That was her ultimate goal. She thought Shetty was actually trying to get INTO the rickshaw because of her daughter! I heard huge thumps from behind. I looked back and saw the mother slapping Shetty's thighs hard. "Aaaaaaah!!!!!" Shetty screamed. "Bhat!!! Do something man.. .Please... ", while trying not to be suffocated.

"Go away!.. get away from my daughter!!... I won't let you come close to her.... ", thump, thump...... slap slap. Shetty was sweating. He got his right hand into action now in a dire attempt to get the dupatta off his face while trying to frantically explain that he was in no mood or position to rape anyone. "No Aunty, its not like that..... its an accident... "

PINCH..... 

"Oh Shit!! Aunty please!!!! Believe me..... I am stuck here... stop pinching me!!!"

 THUMP.... 

"Aunty!!!! Bhat! I can't see anything! Do something... Believe me aunty!! IT IS AN ACCIDENT!! I am not trying to ......Aunty... I am not that kind of a guy who looks at girls aunty... I mean I like girls... but not like your daughter.. Not that she is not loveable! Shit! I mean.. I dont LOVE her.... I haven't even looked at her yet!No NO!! I don't mean to look at her aunty! Who would want to look at her in this situation!! I mean... Bhat please yaar!!! Aunty.... Please!!!"

This went on for about half a minute, but it seemed like half a day. Somehow we managed to get disentangled from the rickshaw just after Shetty managed to untwine the dupatta. We don't know how. We don't care how! We just did. No one was hurt. Well.. no one but Shetty. His left thigh might have been blood red, what with all the spanks. The rickshawvalla was kind enough to not charge us by the meter for the time Shetty was in it. The mother probably would still be proud of herself for saving her daughter. I am sure it would make a great tea time story with the girl's in laws. 

Not boys anymore..

I excitedly called Shetty up to tell him to meet me in 10 minutes outside his apartment. He might have wondered how I could make it to his place in 10 minutes flat, what with me having to walk to the rickshaw stand, get a rickshaw, tell the rickshawvalla to get to the mental hospital (hmmm.... you don't seem to be surprised) and then reach Shetty's place. The entire ordeal took 20 minutes at least.

But there I was sitting right opposite Shetty's apartment on my new Kinetic Zoom (which from now on I will be referring to as "bike" :) ) in 10 mintues flat. Shetty's eyes beamed when he saw the handsome bike (really guys... it's a bike... it had automatic gears!). We weren't boys anymore... we were men with a bike! (please guys.. it IS a bike...Shetty, back me up here... ok.. its not an ACTUAL bike... but its no less.. it weighed 101 kgs!). We then zoomed off like free birds on the bike (guys really.. you got to believe me... it is a BIKE.. IT IS A BIKE!!!!! Ok.. actually its not.. You win!!)

Shetty and I have had some interesting times on this Kinetic bike like thing. We got attached to it sooner than we thought. The first thing I remember is Shetty's theory of relativity. Shetty had this irresistible urge of bending as much as he could in the opposite direction of the turn I was just about to take. For a right turn he bent left, for a left he bent right; to the extent that he could graze his nose on the ground. The explanation was simple. "I am trying to balance". Of course because of this balancing circus act we always ended up going in a straight line.

In fact, I realise now, I was just a joystick who was riding the bike. I was/am not the best person to be asked directions to. Shetty would give directions from behind. I was like his very own Playstation. The problem was that Shetty has a Magellan gene inside him. He had this curiosity to "explore", in his very own words. While Magellan succesfully explored huge pieces of land and sea, we explored innumerable dead ends and some of the worst smelling municipality garbage cans.

Shetty and I met Ankit outside Shetty's saree shop (Vaishnavi Silks - The temple of fashion). I think the kinetic was a day old then. Ankit told me he wanted to ride the bike. I asked him for any experience with two wheelers. I didn't need any further convincing after he told me confidently that he had ridden his Uncle's Bajaj scooter in Calcutta. He got onto the bike. I have a 2 seconds memory lapse after that. The only thing I do remember is Ankit being stuck up against a wall which was like 10 metres from where he started, alongwith the bike. Ankit and his fetish for multitasking. He was pressing the brakes alright but he was also accelerating with the other hand. I went into a deep frozen state while I saw the wall being molested by Ankit and the kinetic together. Shetty ran towards the most miniature accident mankind has ever seen while shouting "Annnkkiiiiiittt!". He held on to the stepni and tried to make the bike stop. How I missed Rajnikanth then. "Leave the accelerator Ankit!!!! LEAVE THE ACCELERATOR", Shetty shouted. Somehow after the wall suffered a lot of bruises, Ankit managed to stop with Shetty's help. I slowly walked to the place as if I was entering a morgue. Shetty asked Ankit if he was alright. Ankit looked at Shetty and me and then the killer dialogue "Ye dekh kya ho gaya tere bike ko bachate bachate (Look what happened to me in the process of saving your bike)", showing us a scratch on his elbow. Shetty asked me if I had a magnifying glass.

Next day, we went to play badminton. We were in this compound with an open space. Another guy asks for a ride. I looked at Shetty, closed my eyes and handed him the keys. There were about 10 people watching. This guy gets onto the bike and heads for the only place in the compound with gravel. Not only that, he thinks it wouldn't be inappropriate to go for a 45 degree turn right in the centre of the gravel. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened right after. He fell in slow motion. I went back to my frozen state. Shetty started running again, but this time shouting "KIIIIIINETIIIIIC!". After blood flow resumed in my body, I walked slowly to the place where Shetty was picking up the kinetic with sympathetic eyes. I looked at the guy who was then dusting the gravel off his shoulders. He of course did what any other guy in his position would do. He scolded me for not keeping any napkins in the storage box.

The movie of the year cause I had a no idea such a movie existed

Last night, I went for a movie with zero expectations; as I had not seen any trailer about the film, only heard about it from some friends-"Slumdog Millionaire".

I came out of the movie, a content man. I like movies which have a happy ending; with a twist that makes me feel comforted. It's not like I am watching a movie to get inspired but to be entertained, its the two hours where I am not thinking, just enjoying.

As the movie began, I didn't like it, I don want to see the sorry state of my country in a movie, I already know it. But as it progressed- it made me like it, and by the end of it-love it.

It's not a typical commercial entertainer (which also I like) but it is an enthralling story with the ending I wanted-Happy. I make a special recommendation of the film as a post as it needs the publicity for people to go and watch it.

Arrey Doston!!!

Bhat, Shetty and me have stood by each other through the thick and thin. Our Junior college was what brought us together and our common enemies (Read :People we mocked at a looot).

The butt of all jokes were two gentlemen- the hairy gorilla and the hairless chicken.

By request-our entrance exams!!!

Some of my new friends have asked me to elaborate more on the various entrance exams we guys gave ( as mentioned in the earlier post).....



Our first common exam was the IEEE, ambitious young men headed to South Mumbai to give the exam. I still don't know what made us give this exam, probably Bhat's convincing power, and our parent excess money (translated as 'dreams for their children). As we caught the local train and chatted about 'How neither of us had studied'; we all sighed a sense of relief knowing that either all of us will do we in life or all of us will end up in the dumps, but all together.

We reached our destination-Late; this I must say is not our fault, how can someone/entity go on to name the different schools with different numbers but same name . Who the hell recognizes a school with numbers. Apparently it was (School Name) no.1 , (School Name) no.2. and so on. And not that the schools were next to each other, each of them was at least a mile or two away, which simply meant, We had to run a mile or two; and which our Ankit being the crouching Bengal tiger, things just got a little slower.

So basically we were late, searched our classrooms and entered and gave our exam. This exam was freaking long, they had an hour break in between, and we all regrouped in the Men's room (Read- stinking toilet). As we all delivered to nature's call, Bhat made a startling discovery, he made us all turn towards him and then towards a broken window- It was the Sea.

We were watching out in to the sea, whilst we pee. We were all happy, it had made the whole exam worth it!!! This was our commitment and enthusiasm of giving entrance exams.

When the results were out-Bhat, Ankit and me were the first to know; and Bhat happily conveyed to Shetty's dad rather than Shetty himself. And Uncle Shetty conveyed it to Master Shetty in true filmi style- Shetty returns home, drenched and soiled from his soccer session with the dripping shoes in his hand. Uncle Shetty looks at his son,and says "You came first in the IEEE exam"; Master Shetty is awestruck at his achievement, drops his shoes and runs around the house in happiness, then Uncle Shetty completes the sentence, "You came first in the IEEE exam...amongst your friends...and 20,000th among all exam takers.

Come to think of it, without studying the four of us were in the top 25000 ranks among 100,000+ exam takers; what if we had studied and given the exam............

The men we are today!!!

I shall leave the funny posts for Bhat and Shetty to write and keep the emotionally charged one's to me. So after being with each other in school and Junior college for soo many years, we had succumbed to the career separation post our 12th Std.

I remember the day our results were out, Bhat was ecstatic that he beat all three (Ankit included)of us, I was satisfied, Ankit was relaxed and Shetty was well....distraught. Now began the challenge for each one of us after numerous other entrance exams -IEEE, Karanataka CET; we were soo dependent on our 12 th results. I began lining up outside Engineering colleges, Bhat,Shetty and Ankit outside Bio Tech colleges. Shetty had a weird little thought, he dreamt that 'Ankit and Bhat' would be driving a Mercedes Benz and himself a Bullock Cart or a Rickshaw. (He honestly dreamt this!!!)

I knew Shetty was an emotional guy, an example is as follows:- Shetty's first girlfriend was a person he knew for 12 days, went out with her the next 13 days, broke up and went in to depression for the next 14 months. See how emotional he is!!!

So began our venture in our respective career fields, during the process we all had our first love with different women and different girl friends; made common enemies ( the guy who dropped Bhat's Kinetic, the guy who told us before hand what B'day gift he wanted), some of us got dumped, had issues with our education; but we all graduated in style and now lead different careers paths-

Bhat is a Bio Technologist
Shetty is a Pilot
Ankit an Entrepreneur
and me a Consultant.

Cheers!!!