So Shetty and I decided to join
the gym. 2 days later we were there. This was the first time we had enrolled
for any such activity. Yes, we were gym virgins – and we didn’t do a good job
hiding it. While Shetty was always the athlete in school and good (read: exceptional)
at whichever game he took up (unless carrom and chess count), I was more the
average Joe. Both of us were around 6 feet tall. We didn’t look completely out
of place, our eyes did.
It wasn’t difficult to spot our
very first gym instructor. This gargantuan giant, the monstrous monster
introduced himself – “Hi, I am Kenny”, he said in a voice as deep as Ankit’s
man-boob cleavage. Realistically speaking he was about 6 feet and 4 inches tall
and maybe as broad, sported a french beard and his stance lodged him into the
earth with ruthless certainty. Shetty looked at me. He noticed I was pointing
towards something with my eyes. After about 5 seconds he realised there was a
huge iron like pillar pointed towards him. After another 5 long seconds he
realised it but obviously was Kenny’s arm offering a handshake. Shetty gave in.
He raised his arm by the elbow and uncomfortably placed it in front of Kenny. Completely
overshadowed by Kenny’s presence, he placed the middle portion of his arm near
Kenny’s gigantic palm. Kenny mercilessly grabbed whatever was offered to him. This
sort of awkwardly pulled Shetty towards Kenny. Released from his clutch, Shetty
stepped back trying to decipher what just happened. It was my turn. I was
prepared. I had learnt from Shetty’s mistake. I inhaled as much air as I could.
I puffed up my chest. Meanwhile, Shetty was trying hard to get rid of all the
jokes that suddenly popped into his head. I looked at Shetty for approval with
a confident smile. Shetty in response closed his eyes and shook his head. I saw
myself from the outside and it dawned on me! All the jokes that Shetty got rid
of a few seconds back hopped into my head. Shoving them away, I exhaled all the
air I had taken in only to realise that it really made no difference to my
physique. Still, I was very much in the game. I placed my palm exactly next to
Kenny’s extended arm. That would do it I thought. Kenny engulfed it with his. I
thought this would be a good time to introduce myself – I am Adit… aa…aa.. an
ultrasonic squeak spread around the gym. I was in pain. Serious physical pain.
Kenny let go off my hand after 2 excruciating seconds and I silently thanked
global warming for killing humans slowly. Shetty on the other hand thanked the
beauty of relative misery. Compared to me had done extremely well!
So, we were in. Kenny explained
what needed to be done, what to look out for and what not to. He gave us a chart
which drew attention to our exercise routine. We were feeling more at home and were
slowly getting accustomed to the equipment. The bench press, the dumbbells, the
leg curls and all the works. We settled in. A week went by. We surprised ourselves
by going in for 6 days at a stretch. While we were minding our own business, on
the 7th day the unthinkable happened. Kenny walked up to us.
Immediately springing to attention Shetty and I thought of lifting the heaviest
dumbbell which was kept on the stands, but gave up the idea for the love of our
intact toes. “Come on guys. Let’s take measurements”, Kenny ordered. Wow, he is
funny too, we thought. He turned back and started walking. He was serious....
he WAS serious! We had no option but to walk on his guided path with drooping
shoulders. We knew what was coming. Kenny would get a measuring tape and
measure our arms, chest and other such physical attributes that we weren’t
particularly proud of and weren’t particularly fond of measuring. Before we
knew it, we were in the changing room, which seemed like the most inappropriate
place for performing this ritual. Kenny decided to shoot me down first. “Stretch
your arm in front of your body with your palm facing upward”, he said. I did.
Kenny wrapped up a measuring tape around my blushing bicep and wrote down 9
inches. Flex your arm he commanded. Now I had only seen people flexing their
arms in movies. I got both my arms on either side and placed them at a right
angle. I wanted to get the posture right. The last thing I wanted to do was look
like a fool! I then flexed as hard as I could. Kenny for the first time emoted
through his rock face. His eyes were filled with disgust and ridicule at the
same time. In the most dry tone ever heard he questioned my move.
“What are you doing?”
“I am flexing”, I said with a
strained voice as my energy was utilized in keeping my bicep bulged. Kenny held my hand with his
little finger and moved it gently to its initial position. I was surprised as I
thought I had positioned it quite firmly. Kenny then just bent my elbow towards
my body (again, with one finger) and wrote down 9.5 inches. It couldn’t get
worse than this, I thought. However it was all going to be over soon and that
was my only ray of hope to live. The ray of hope soon manifested into a sting
ray. “Remove your shirt” Kenny instructed. Shetty handed me a handkerchief noticing
a small tear forming around the eye. He took it back as quickly on second
thought as he knew he would need it soon. It now made sense to perform the ‘vastraharan’
in the changing room. And the rest as they say was human geography at its
worst.
No comments:
Post a Comment