BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit

"BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit!". This was the only sound that could be heard in a class full of about 40 silent students and a teacher with a creased forehead. The sound came from Shetty. It was a typical day in the lab for us Second year students of Biotechnology. It was 11:10 in the morning. We had been in the Zoology lab since 7:30. And to top that, our practicals were being conducted by Rajni ma'm. Everyone was craving to get out of the lab. Ankit in particular was about to pull his hair with frustration but stopped with the thought that it might be the last time he felt it.

Rajni ma'm. Mid 50's. About 5 feet 3 inches. Dirty Grey hair. Huge, bulging eyes with distinct eye bags. Always clad in a dull coloured sari. Deep baritone. Ankit, Shetty and I still think about sex while thinking about her. That right. SEX. And that is because that is all she spoke about! You could give her any topic on this earth and she would uncannily revert that topic back to sex. This is how our morning began.

"Ok students. Pay attention. This is the crab. Kingdom - Animalia. Phylum: Arthropoda. Sub phylum: Crustacea. It is generally covered with a thick exoskeleton. One distinct feature of one type of crabs is that they mate for life. They mate once in their life with one partner. Unlike humans nowadays. Todays culture is to have sex with as many people as possible. Sex has become a casual thing. Sex is not exclusive anymore. Sex is a time pass for humans today. Sex has lost its charm. It has become monotonous. In our days sex used to be a luxury............................". Ankit meanwhile poured the formalin (in which the crab was stored) in his ears just in the hope that he would turn stone deaf.

After innumerable stories about sex it was finally 10:30. For the first time in our lives we didn't want to hear about sex anymore. Ok then. Time for attendance after which we would be free. Victory was minutes away. The class had become quite noisy with the anticipation that we were going to go out of those doors soon. And here we go again, "I am not going to tell you to keep quiet. You are not children. You should be responsible for your own actions. You don't realise that you are going to grow up and become scientists. You will go to America and other parts of the world. Then you will realise. You know why Americans are doing well? Because they are so open about SEX. They speak openly about sex. In India speaking about sex is taboo. That is the root cause of the lack of growth in India. We don't talk about sex. Everyone outside India is talking about sex, but we dont talk about sex...........................". It was 11:10.

There was pindrop silence in the class. Our respective puberties had grown backwards. Ankit - "Bhat yaar... where do we get so much money from?"

"For what?", I asked

"To put the hormones back into my body.. I think I lost my sex drive".

There was only one goal in life now. To get out of that wretched door and enter a world which was free of sex. The attendance begins. 1 - Present, 2 - Present............ It was Shetty's turn. His roll number was one of the last few because of the surname. 33.......... 33........... 33........................................ Shetty couldn't speak. He was trying hard. The best he could do is mumble.I had closed his mouth with my hand. 33.....................! Shetty was trying to raise his hands but again couldn't. Ankit was on the job. The timing has to be right. You let your hand off the mouth when you know the person has lost all hope and is about to scream. In Shetty's case it was screaming interspersed with laughter. I let go my hand.

"BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit!". To break it down, it started with "Bhat" followed by laughter followed by "yaar". Till this point he was unaware that his mouth was free to speak. This was then followed by laughter followed by an inaudible "present" followed by a distinct "shit!" when he realised that everyone but people in China could hear him. On hearing this Ankit failed to control a huge Mogambo like laughter which resonated into the lab.

"Who was that.... What was that?" she asked in a dry tone. Everyone was quiet. We hid ourselves behind some students while laughing uncontrollably in mute mode. "No discipline. No discipline at all. You people think this is a joke. All of you are future researchers. Research is not a joke. It requires a lot of discipline. Everything in life requires discipline. Your day to day activities require discipline. If you want to be healthy you require discipline. To get good health you need to exercise with discipline. You know what is a good exercise? SEX. Sex is the best form of exercise. Sex can keep you healthy. Sex has multiple advantages. But we Indians don't seem to understand that. Sex can improve stamina. Why doesn't India win medals in the Olympics? Because we dont talk about sex...............................................". It was 11:45.

The entire class was really mad at the three of us, more so at Shetty. What could have been an 11:10 exit was now an 11:45 exit! The only thing that prevented them from going out from the class was one small "Present ma'm " from Shetty. That's all Shetty had to do. It was that simple. Shetty performs well under pressure. He almost enjoys it. This was a cake walk but he wasn't going to take it for granted. Shetty put all his energy and concentration into not laughing this time. Ankit and I waited with baited breath. "33.........?", Rajni ma'm asked. "Presex ma'm!", Shetty said!

The class couldn't believe it. Ankit for some reason thought this wouldn't be an inappropriate time for going for another Mogambo laugh. The entire class closed their eyes and tilted their heads back in disappointment. "What? Sex is not something to be made fun of. It has to be taken seriously. Youngsters today take sex lightly. You know why there aren't as many dogs in India as people? Sex. Dogs have a mating season which comes once a year. For humans sex is perennial............................" It was 12.20.

Never have so many eyes stared at Shetty, Ankit and me at the same time. We came out of the class completely zapped. Shetty was marked absent for that class. Ankit never attended Zoology practicals again in a serious attempt to rejuvenate his sex drive and I.. well.. I kept my hands to myself.

Kuch bhi mat ball!

Shetty is an exceptional sportsman. He is the best cricket player that I have played with. This would be true even if I had played with Sanjay Bangar, Venkatesh Prasad or Chirag Deshpande. I should also say that Shetty plays with the most casual demeanour. He makes it look extremely easy. We used to play cricket in front of my house in Pratik Apartments. It would very often be Ankit, Shetty, a few other guys from the society and me.

Ankit didn't join us that day. He was watching television at my place in the living room with his characteristic 45 degrees intense look. There were only 4 of us if I remember correctly. Thankfully Shetty decided to keep the wickets as I took guard to face the second fastest bowler in our society, after Shetty.

The bowler started running in. For some reason I was confident of myself that day. Shetty was casually standing behind the stumps. I stood there with my bat grounded. I saw the ball coming towards me. I couldn't believe it. It was the juiciest full length delivery, waiting to be dispatched with arrogance. I lifted my bat high in the air with the foresight of completing the most elegant front foot cover drive. Shetty smiled with the thought of getting to see a very good cricketing shot. I launched into the drive. Shetty launched into a more casual posture with the unconditional belief that his job as the wicket keeper for that delivery was redundant. I was almost there. My bat was ready to scold the ball away. I got my front foot in place and swung hard. I could hear Shetty shout from behind... "Good sho........". He stopped. I missed.

He couldn't complete his compliment. He saw my bat pass an inch away from the ball. How tides change; Shetty was now facing the same ball that I was a few nanoseconds ago. There were 2 distinct differences though. Shetty didn't have a bat in his hand and he was standing full frontal in front of the ball (as opposed to my side posture). He was still in control he thought. All he had to do was catch the ball before it collided with its namesake. He nonchalantly tried to get his hands into catching position. This is when he realised something. Both his hands were dug knee deep into his tight jeans pockets. They were stuck.

The ball was coming towards Shetty with lightning speed. However, God played the reel in slow motion for Shetty. Shetty says today that God has a sick sense of humour; not without experience. Shetty's eyes were bulging. His teeth were clenched. Shetty's not the one to give up. His entire body was squirming in slow motion as he frantically tried to get his hands to the rescue. After a small grunt and a nanosecond later he realised he wasn't going to make it. He gave it one last shot. He let out a huge crying scream just in the hope that his sound waves could make the ball change direction.

One sword can cut 2 others they say. Likewise, one ball can squash 2 others. It happened. Shetty actually flew back because of the impact and fell on his back. The bowler and I ran to him but then stopped. What do we do about this? What CAN we do about this? Shetty crawled to one of the flower beds so that he got some cushioning. God had already thought of another joke. "Red ants, Shetty red ants!!!!", I shouted. Shetty rolled off the flower bed with a "Why me!!" expression. He then crawled up the 7 excruciating steps to my living room but couldn't get up on his feet. Lying on the floor, he saw God there watching television from the corner of His eyes. "Water, water Ankit... please Ankit water... abe Ankit water... Please yaar Water... Ankit listen man... Water", he pleaded while losing water continuously in the form of sweat. God was unmoved, unperturbed. "Ankit please yaar.. please.. Water... water... WATER...", he squeaked. Ankit looked at Shetty. He kept staring at him till Shetty managed to get water on his own and give him a glass too!

Shetty is a changed man today. He has stopped giving the benefit of doubt to anything human on earth or even me for that matter. Also, don't be surprised if Shetty insists to go change into his loose track pants with loose pockets before a chess game. He has reason to believe its better safe than sorry.

Change is what we need!

I will come straight to the point. Chirag and I were coming back from college in the Bombay Local Train. Both of us were hanging outside with one foot dangling in the air. I should add that this daredevil posture wasn't exhibited by choice. We were between Ghatkopar and Vikhroli. I casually said "Man, I am thirsty". 

Chirag - "Ok. Let's get water"

Me - "From where?

"From Vikhroli station dude"

"I don't want to miss this train Chirag"

" We won't. I will get water from the Station canteen and come back before the train leaves from the Station"

Silence.... I smiled

Chirag - "You dont think I can do it!!!! Huh! Huh!!!!! You don't think I can do it!!!!"

"Calm down yaar... hehehee.. it's not that....its just that you can't!"

"You want to see!! You want to see... I can do it man Bhat.. I really can"

This time I smiled inside and said... ok.

Vikhroli Station was fast approaching. We were sandwiched between quite a lot of people. Hearing our conversation a few people got involved too. They started giving Chirag tips. Chirag started stretching his arms and legs. Hmmmm.. warm up. 

Vikhroli Station was here. The train would be halting in about 2 minutes. Chirag suavely removed his wallet from the pocket. I almost put my hands up thinking it was a gun. All eyes were on Chirag. I could hear some strange noise coming from Chirag. I looked at him. "Don't worry man... its the adrenaline pumping". I stopped worrying :)

The train was almost about to stop. Chirag leapt out with hands and legs stretched and a small "Yaaaaaaa!".  There was a huge thud on the platform. No, he didn't fall, he landed. He sprinted to the Canteen. People around me were boosting him with eager eyes. "Come on water guy, you can do it". Chirag reached the canteen in one piece, already panting. We saw Chirag gesturing to the canteen guy that he needed a bottle of water. Everything was going well. Chirag was suprising me. He was ACTUALLY going to do it I thought. Suddenly I see Chirag fluttering his hands in the air... panic stricken. He was in some trouble. He was frantically looking around and hopping in one place. We saw him pleading the canteen guy about something. The train started moving.

Before I could yell, one of the guys asked me "What's his name?". "Chirag", I said. He shouted at the top of his voice , "Chirag, you idiot! Come back!!!". We all yelled together "Chiraaaaag!!!". "Oh.... Shit" he said. For a moment he hoped it was his eyeballs that were moving. On realising it was actually the train he desperately put the wallet in his pocket. With a firm resolve he left the bottle of water there and started running. He was red; still running and chasing our bogie. I was ready to jump out if he didn't make it. Somehow, full credit to him, he jumped on in the small place that we had made for him. "What happened!!" we asked. He wasn't in a position to answer. Breathing was more important and so was flaring the nostrils. Some ruffled words came from his mouth. "haa?" I asked. He was trying hard to get clear words out of his lungs. I wasn't making things easy for him. I kept asking him. Finally he said panting "I........... didn't.............. have................. change............ you bastard!" followed by a huge grin and a nod. After laughing our hearts out I asked "How much did you have?" "10 bucks" he said. 

"Why didn't you get a bigger bottle instead?"

"Are you craz............... Oooooooooooooooooh!" he said while looking at the moving horizon.

But to be honest, he gave it another shot at the next station with 5 Rs (given by one of the cheerleaders in the train). He ran to the canteen, got the bottle, came back, hopped onto the train and gave me the bottle of water.  He quenched my thirst for water and my appetite for laughter in one go. Thats Chirag for you.

The Anonymous Phone Calls

During our tenth std, Shetty and me had grown to be extremely close friends. Bhat was known as the school prankster but we made better acquaintances with him post our schooling (since we were in the same junior college)
Side Note-The only thing Bhat talked to me was about how we both managed to get the same percentage(to the decimal) and I wondered why did this guy sit and check my result when we didn't even know each other!!

Back to Shetty- I used to love playing pranks on Shetty and I am sure the feeling was mutual. I even used to make him come with me to a girl's place and make fun of him (It was guy thing and we were just sixteen). Sorry Shetty!!! One of the pranks we have not talked about for years was the mysterious phone calls Shetty used to get at nights on his land line. Shetty did not know I had two phone lines at my place which simply meant I could call him simultaneously-one as the Prankster(yes, it was ME) and two as myself( so that I could eliminate any doubts he had).

The Phone call was a silent treatment he used to get followed by a ridiculous laughter (one wherein I tried to sound like a female) and many a times had a romantic background score. He would make his brother lift the call and this treatment would still persist. Whenever Shetty would tell me that he got a call, I would encourage him to investigate in school. And he did, finding out all the girls who had his number and potential suspects. He did cough up some names to me and I further encouraged the probe. This continued for a month or so and then the big day arrived when Shetty came to my place for the first time and happened to notice I had two phone lines.

He always denies this story by saying he had figured out/knew it was me initially itself but within him he knows the truth -he always hoped it was his favorite class mate!!!

Hum Hindustani!!!

I know this topic seems off color and not appropriate a medium but still…..

Today, I read a very interesting article on ‘Recession’ and being at the eye of that storm. The article began with a very interesting note-though there are major financial woes in the global market the economy is growing in positive; unemployment rate is not that high as a recession tends to make it and by the thumb rule definition, we definitely are not in one. Then why are people calling it ‘Recession’?

The simple answer’ it’s psychological’ .The stories about profit / losses, job cuts etc. etc. cause more and more anxiety and hence general mass assumption-Recession. Then the article mentions about how the to be President of this country could potentially swing the election by capitalizing on this factor. Which made me put on my thinking hat. Growing up in India, and viewing her (read: India) affairs from within, makes one make comparisons of the good, bad and the ugly. I love the system here and definitely feel we should adopt some its best practice, and definitely the same can be said on the opposite side.

Not being unpatriotic in any way, but living here for a while, seeing every system/request being processed efficiently, facilities at one’s door step; makes me wonder why shouldn’t anyone not want to live here-just cause I am an ‘Indian’, my country needs me and that this place is nothing like ‘India’. Honestly, it’s not convincing enough!!!

Then as I drove back home- I realized I listen only to Hindi songs, I go home and watch Hindi movies, read the Times of India by the hour, cook (awesome) Indian food-everything in me has been established as Indian. I cannot change that not because I have lived with for so long but simply because I love it. I love what I get with being an Indian. I feel pain when India loses a cricket match and ecstasy when we got a gold medal. I went and read a recent blog of a friend on the same topic-for the first time her writings made sense to me!!!

It’s the Indian-ism in me that makes the attraction to the motherland; it is so strong that other flaws seem small, irrelevant and solvable. There’s this uncanny pull that makes me want to be there and not here, and of course be a part all that Growth story jazz!!!

AFTER THOUGHTS

This would be a good time to thank chirag for providin this medium where we can save all our memories (good bad and embarrassing) cos our responsiblities at work and home doesnt give tht space in our head...we already have no recollection of many such stories to do with all three of us ..
i know chirags modesty wont accept these sincere compliments..(no sarcasm involved) and the girl he was talkin was miss mistry...and i couldn resist those long plaits...
and i would request chirag to blog abt all his girlfriends cos he has been quite secretive abt them maybe abt the sacrifices for them( chirag let it go) and bhat u can talk abt all the innocent pple who have confessed their deepest secrets and then u troubled them in a way tht they stopped believing gods existence(but the fact is thts gods way of punishing them)...
anyways waitin for ur next blog guys..

HOMECOMING

chirags been one of my closest friends... and bhat and i respect him for what he is... he is quite well read but maybe on some topics he has got grave misconceptions (bhat knows wat i am talkin abt it can be one of my topics for my next post)...and chirag has always been a peoples person..very compatible with people..he likes to be called charismatic and suave so i will add these adjectives... we have a lot of fond memories of his auntys place where we have spent a lot of time just being useless in life which are very special for all of us now when i see my three friends doing great in their lives and this fact has never come as a surprise knowin all three of them... i have been quite lucky to have them in my life cos i am me in front of them .. no facade..and we accept each other for wat we are... i call chandler tht he is bhat personified (i dont think i need to say anythin else) and chirag has always come out as a winner in whatever he pursued...

about chirags post i do agree to the fact most of it did happened cos we were completely different personalities in school..chirag was suppossed to be mature,bhat was subtle in his ways when it came to troubling anyone in school ,and i was extremely distinct in wat i did ....and those plaits were extremely long ..so just couldn resist..
but when i read the parts which are not true... especially the cycling part..cos it does take a big part of his life.. believe me .. u will know why very soon

i will put it in points as chirag gives us glimpses of him still bein in school as he differentiates his assignments as classwork and homework and a break from college as a summer vacation at 24 and lectures as periods which sounds pretty grose...i just hope he doesnt carry a bottle of boiled water along .Back to chirags defense..1 the cycling was his way of impressing girls(even though it took 15mins to get on it and another 20 to get off it).so girls usually call him well before their time of appointment with him and remind him tht he shud start the highly impossible (and improbable when he started out)task of gettin on to the cycle so by the time they meet him hopefully he is on it with knee pads and helmets and an abdomen guard (which he again borrowed from friend of his).... we can go on and on tht (cos he being one of my best friends i have given him company on those cycling walks to meet some girl he liked)..you guys may be wonderin wat is cyclin walks it just means he used to cycle and i used walk along...(its humanly not possible to cycle tht slow) and after checkin out his mba presentation video we all know chirag is no human..(mukesh khanna with curly hair)...

I can say all this cos chirag has been a big sport all thru and u must have got it from bhats previous blog

AND now i get onto someone who has got sarcasm and just simple mannerisms back on the map..bhat and i actually actually feel the honour of being associated to him.. i hear regret in bhats voice everytime i talk to him..the regret is not being able to to enjoy gods gift to mankind from close quarters.. the regret is all the more tht u will know when we talk abt them in our next few blogs... .. bhat and i can take credit for him along with god..

ANKIT

the character of characters ... among us he truly deserves a grand entry into the blog... cos no one comes close to the king... u need to have a different brand of humour to understand ankit..it has taken a lot of effort and time for me and bhat to master it... he will get his dues...he surely deserves it...

guys watch out ankits comin ....