Rajni ma'm. Mid 50's. About 5 feet 3 inches. Dirty Grey hair. Huge, bulging eyes with distinct eye bags. Always clad in a dull coloured sari. Deep baritone. Ankit, Shetty and I still think about sex while thinking about her. That right. SEX. And that is because that is all she spoke about! You could give her any topic on this earth and she would uncannily revert that topic back to sex. This is how our morning began.
"Ok students. Pay attention. This is the crab. Kingdom - Animalia. Phylum: Arthropoda. Sub phylum: Crustacea. It is generally covered with a thick exoskeleton. One distinct feature of one type of crabs is that they mate for life. They mate once in their life with one partner. Unlike humans nowadays. Todays culture is to have sex with as many people as possible. Sex has become a casual thing. Sex is not exclusive anymore. Sex is a time pass for humans today. Sex has lost its charm. It has become monotonous. In our days sex used to be a luxury............................". Ankit meanwhile poured the formalin (in which the crab was stored) in his ears just in the hope that he would turn stone deaf.
After innumerable stories about sex it was finally 10:30. For the first time in our lives we didn't want to hear about sex anymore. Ok then. Time for attendance after which we would be free. Victory was minutes away. The class had become quite noisy with the anticipation that we were going to go out of those doors soon. And here we go again, "I am not going to tell you to keep quiet. You are not children. You should be responsible for your own actions. You don't realise that you are going to grow up and become scientists. You will go to America and other parts of the world. Then you will realise. You know why Americans are doing well? Because they are so open about SEX. They speak openly about sex. In India speaking about sex is taboo. That is the root cause of the lack of growth in India. We don't talk about sex. Everyone outside India is talking about sex, but we dont talk about sex...........................". It was 11:10.
There was pindrop silence in the class. Our respective puberties had grown backwards. Ankit - "Bhat yaar... where do we get so much money from?"
"For what?", I asked
"To put the hormones back into my body.. I think I lost my sex drive".
There was only one goal in life now. To get out of that wretched door and enter a world which was free of sex. The attendance begins. 1 - Present, 2 - Present............ It was Shetty's turn. His roll number was one of the last few because of the surname. 33.......... 33........... 33........................................ Shetty couldn't speak. He was trying hard. The best he could do is mumble.I had closed his mouth with my hand. 33.....................! Shetty was trying to raise his hands but again couldn't. Ankit was on the job. The timing has to be right. You let your hand off the mouth when you know the person has lost all hope and is about to scream. In Shetty's case it was screaming interspersed with laughter. I let go my hand.
"BhatehahahayaarhahahahaPresentshit!". To break it down, it started with "Bhat" followed by laughter followed by "yaar". Till this point he was unaware that his mouth was free to speak. This was then followed by laughter followed by an inaudible "present" followed by a distinct "shit!" when he realised that everyone but people in China could hear him. On hearing this Ankit failed to control a huge Mogambo like laughter which resonated into the lab.
"Who was that.... What was that?" she asked in a dry tone. Everyone was quiet. We hid ourselves behind some students while laughing uncontrollably in mute mode. "No discipline. No discipline at all. You people think this is a joke. All of you are future researchers. Research is not a joke. It requires a lot of discipline. Everything in life requires discipline. Your day to day activities require discipline. If you want to be healthy you require discipline. To get good health you need to exercise with discipline. You know what is a good exercise? SEX. Sex is the best form of exercise. Sex can keep you healthy. Sex has multiple advantages. But we Indians don't seem to understand that. Sex can improve stamina. Why doesn't India win medals in the Olympics? Because we dont talk about sex...............................................". It was 11:45.
The entire class was really mad at the three of us, more so at Shetty. What could have been an 11:10 exit was now an 11:45 exit! The only thing that prevented them from going out from the class was one small "Present ma'm " from Shetty. That's all Shetty had to do. It was that simple. Shetty performs well under pressure. He almost enjoys it. This was a cake walk but he wasn't going to take it for granted. Shetty put all his energy and concentration into not laughing this time. Ankit and I waited with baited breath. "33.........?", Rajni ma'm asked. "Presex ma'm!", Shetty said!
The class couldn't believe it. Ankit for some reason thought this wouldn't be an inappropriate time for going for another Mogambo laugh. The entire class closed their eyes and tilted their heads back in disappointment. "What? Sex is not something to be made fun of. It has to be taken seriously. Youngsters today take sex lightly. You know why there aren't as many dogs in India as people? Sex. Dogs have a mating season which comes once a year. For humans sex is perennial............................" It was 12.20.
Never have so many eyes stared at Shetty, Ankit and me at the same time. We came out of the class completely zapped. Shetty was marked absent for that class. Ankit never attended Zoology practicals again in a serious attempt to rejuvenate his sex drive and I.. well.. I kept my hands to myself.
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